Fragments of a Dream

Onwards to 2012

2012-01-01T23:48:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone!

Well, my new year started as a pretty good high surrounded by family AND FRIENDS! =D ...and then it turned to be a pretty low low as I was pushed around by my 8 year-old godsister who acts more like a 40 year-old socialite imo >_> Pathetic of me. How pathetic. I dare any of you to deal with her and not end up the way I do.

Well you probably could, I'm just a pushover like that though.

Here's to hoping for a brighter tomorrow T~T

- - -
Oh yeah, and about that 30 day challenge? Unsurprisingly, I failed it majorly >_> and atm have no particular desire to finish it. I got my day 11 posted >D Oh well... might pick it up or at least do some of the random posts another time when I'm bored enough.

[11/30] Songs

2011-12-12T00:07:00.000-08:00

Day 11: Put your iPod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.

This'll be fun... there's a fairly high possibility that whoever reads this won't know all 10 songs though =3

1. Hikari - Jyukai [from Fate/Stay Night]
2. Second Go - Lights
3. Boku wa Kimi ni Koi wo Suru - Ken Hirai
4. Open - Kaori Utatsuki [from Tsuyokiss]
5. Hajimete no Oto (+2 keys) - clear's version [original by Hatsune Miku]
6. Sonatina in E Flat Major, Op. 4, No. 7 - Samuel Wesley
7. Boku no Speed de - Ryoko Shiraishi's version [original by Yonekura Chihiro from Mahoraba]
8. Dokugan Salamander - Pokota and Sekihan
9. Prototype - Chiaki Ishikawa [from Gundam 00]
10. Soshite Boku wa - Yui Sakikabara [from Prism Ark]

Aww... didn't manage to get any French songs into the mix xP Then again, with 1662 songs (10.02GB) in my library being predominantly Japanese... wasn't too likely.

Because I was bored (and still hoping to find other languages) I did 10 more.

11. Rakuen - Jack
12. Pikapika no Taiyou - Kana Ueda [from Gakuen Alice]
13. Ni Ying Gai Bei Zhen Xi - Fahrenheit
14. Wish - Mariko Kouda [from Mamotte Shugogetten]
15. Pretend - Lights
16. Tian Xin Zhou - Rainie Yang
17. Ryuusei Miracle - Ikimono-gakari
18. You - Yuria [from Shuffle]
19. Girlfriend - Kana Nishino
20. Forever & Always - Taylor Swift

Still no French... but I got the Mandarin in there xD Good enough... I was kind of surprised by the turnout though... I was pretty sure I'd have a LOT more NND songs in the mix since that's all I've been downloading lately and I've been getting like x number of versions of the same songs just 'cuz I download whole albums and it feels like a waste to delete them @_@

So how many of my list have YOU heard? xD

[10/30] First Love

2011-12-11T23:56:00.000-08:00

Day 10: Discuss your first love and first kiss

O_O.... *facepalms*...

Well, at least the second half doesn't have to happen seeing as I've never had a 'first kiss' at least the romantic way I'm pretty sure this thing is implying.

First love... It's hard to define my first love imo... there was a guy I thought I liked who use to sit next to me in elementary school... I don't remember much about it but I remember he picked on me and I picked right back at him, but when I had troubles a couple of times he would help me out x3 ...and that one time when we all had to get our tetanus shots he got dizzy and had to sit aside and drink apple juice. I laughed at him for that >D what can I say? I was a heartless kid...

I think there was a guy before that that I liked, but somehow when I told someone they told him and then he made fun of me. But thinking about it, he was a pompous brat and I don't know what I would've ever seen in him since I didn't even have any reason to like him... so I don't count it xP Neither do I count that guy that used to sit next to me actually =3

In my opinion there's a 'crush' and a 'love'... and if I had to classify things, most of the people I liked have been 'crushes' that were pretty superficial and not really serious. Then moving on from there I guess I'd say I've only been 'in love' once in my life. I think talking to him was the first time I'd ever REALLY empathized with anyone. Then things happened, time passed. I think from some Manga I was reading there was this quote that talked about the breakdown of love as being something like '10% luck and 90% timing'... the statistics are probably totally different but who cares, that probably describes things to a tee. Carpe diem. Seize the day. Don't let the moment pass you by and then live the rest of your life looking back in regret.

One day when I'm strong enough I'll thank him and tell him how much he meant to me. But for now the conversations we had together and the experiences we shared will still remain my memories in the moonlight ^^

[9/30] Future... or not?

2011-12-10T01:18:00.000-08:00

Day 09: How you hope your future will be like

Today's challenge is invalid seeing as I've already done it in day 2 when I discussed where I'd like to be in 10 years! D<

So instead I'll be doing a fangirl dedication go my favorite NND singer for the past few months... CLEAR~~ x3

I can't remember who I've talked about months ago, but I'm pretty sure it was just Sekihan and ShounenT. Don't get me wrong, they're still awesome and I still like them... just for different reasons and not as much as clear x3

The way I see it, Sekihan is (as my friend puts is) "a freak of nature" in a freakishly amazing way @_@ goodness knows how he's able to conjure up such variety in his voice. He released a new... album... recently which is something like old.... fairytales... (I can't think of the right word atm... the word for stories like Cinderella and Jack and the Beanstalk and whatnot~) narrated in his voice where he's speaking like an old woman. Personally, unlike his young girl voice, I don't think his old woman voice is as convincing/amazing/appealing. But that's a whole different discussion~ Moving on...

ShounenT I like mostly because he's pretty cute, his blog is adorable and I like the fact that he's like 6 months older than me x3

and then there's clear. omg there's clear @___@ idk why it took me the first few months on nico to realize it, but he has a BEAUTIFUL voice... it's so... so... CLEAR! (okay now I feel like I've said this before... if this is a repeat rant... too bad. It's clear and he's worth it~ x3) I think my craze about him probably started when I finally decided to download his Dearest album after seeing it around so many times and eventually stumbling across it. VERY unfortunately, I can't really put links to most of his best songs here because most of his best songs (imo) come from albums that he hasn't uploaded full versions up on nico T~T So if you're reading this rant and are curious to hear what I'm talking about, GO DOWNLOAD HIS ALBUMS Dearest AND Dearest II! They're so awesome I swear you'll never regret it @___@

My favorites from Dearest (which probably started me on this craze) are:
「ねぇ。」// Nee.
ゆびきり // Yubikiri
Under the Snow

They are SO pretty @_@ yeah I'm a sucker for those quiet kinds of songs... and he just happens to sing those best~ imo anyways xD

I also highly recommend his ACUTE with Seryu and Wotamin which I remember linking months and months ago... and here come the link spams~ If you're too lazy to listen to them all just listen to the first one. Moon. Absolute best~! Though Because of You runs a close second @_@

Other favorites:

From Dearest II:
~Ashita he (featuring RapBit. I agree with the comments that it's a bit like GReeeeN's style @_@)
~Little Traveler (he sang this at the live in Taiwan. Absolutely beautiful @___@)
~Pianissimo (I think it's composed and accompanied by koman? xD)
~Namida no Kiseki (I think this one comes from some game ED? Possibly a BL one. It's beautiful regardless~)

~Shining (from his single "Shining")
~Reverberation (from 4x4 - four by four- collaboration CD. I didn't really like the rest of the CD but this song is amazing! As expected of clear~!)
~Magnet (with Dasoku. Not one of my favorites of his, but probably his most popular one as voted by others xD)
~Polaris (with Asamaru. From the PointFive(.5) album COLOR)
~Hoshi no Komori Uta (with Dasoku. From the PointFive(.5) album enhAnce)

There's others too but I think I'll just keep my list at that... there's just so many good songs by clear in general *spazzes*! Go download his albums nao and become addicted to them like I have @_@

By the way, these are the albums by him/featuring him that I've downloaded... I'm sure he had other earlier singles... only I haven't had the time/haven't really felt like looking back further.

Singles:
~Shining
~Kawaranu Omoi
~Kikoete Imasu ka

Solo Albums:
~Dearest
~Dearest II

Collab Albums:
~First Contact (with nero)
~Second Impact (with nero)
~Moratorium (Nem's Garden. collab with a bunch of popular utaite singers)
~4x4 -four by four- (collab with 3 other utaite and 4 producers who wrote the songs they sing)

PointFive(.5) Releases: (members are clear, dasoku, amu, asamaru and mi-chan)
~enhAnce (first album)
~Select me (first single)
~COLOUR (second single)
~Kimi Reflection (third single)
~Doushinen (second album)

[7/30] Zodiac

2011-12-08T10:25:00.000-08:00

Well... speaking of zodiac signs I don't understand whether it's asking for going by star sign or Chinese zodiac... so I'll do both x3 and offhand I don't know what my zodiac sign/animal is supposed to be like, so I'd better research that first =3

Day 07: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality
Western Star Sign: Gemini
Element: Air
Ruling Planets: Mercury
Symbol: The Twins
Stone: Aquamarine
Life Pursuit: To explore a little bit of everything.
Vibration: Intense mental energy
Gemini's Secret Desire: To be ahead of the crowd
http://www.psychicguild.com/horoscopes_zodiac.php?sign=Gemini

Pros:
Adaptable and versatile
Communicative and witty
Intellectual and eloquent
Youthful and lively

Cons:
Nervous and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive
http://www.astrology-online.com/gemini.htm

Okay... looking at that stuff I guess it kind of fits my personality? The stuff from the first site I've definitely heard parts of before so I could be biased by shaping my thinking to see myself in that light, but oh well. As for the second site...
>Adaptable and versatile... I suppose I'm kind of. Though when certain things don't go as planned it stresses me out to no end... like that psych project where my group mate didn't hand in the group project on time x_x
>Communicative and witty: err.... no.
>Intellectual and eloquent: I'd like to think of myself as such =3 dunno how that matches up with reality though xD
>Youthful and lively: umm... about procrastinating, Pokemon, NND, and that's about it ;D
>Nervous and tense: definitely.
>Superficial and inconsistent: without a doubt.
>Cunning and inquisitive: absolutely.
I'd say the negatives fit me to a tee moreso than the positives xD All that stuff I've realized about where I fail is pretty much summed up there... well with a bit missing of course.

Seems like overall Gemini is a pretty good match for me even though I never thought so o.o Could be just me, but when I think of Gemini the first thing I think about is not having a twin D: So it never occurred to me that I could actually fit the mold so closely in other ways actually xD

Chinese Zodiac: Monkey
Personality: Occupying the 9th position on the Chinese Zodiac, the Monkey possesses such character traits as curiosity, mischievousness, and cleverness. Forever playful, Monkeys are the masters of practical jokes. Even though their intentions are always good, this desire to be a prankster has a tendency to create ill will and hurt feelings.

Although they are inherently intellectual and creative, Monkeys at times have trouble exhibiting these qualities. When that happens, they appear to others to be confused. But nothing could be further from the truth as Monkeys thrive on being challenged. Monkeys prefer urban life to rural, and their favorite pastime is people-watching.

Health: Believing that being sick is a waste of a valuable day, Monkeys very rarely feel ill. Their constantly active lifestyles are likely what helps Monkeys remain in good health. When Monkeys do become ill, such feelings are generally the result of feeling nervous.

Career: When it comes to work, Monkeys can do just about anything. They adapt well to changing environments and they’re very intelligent. They work quickly, but they’ll frequently charge double for their services. Good career fields for Monkeys are accounting and banking. Other good careers for Monkeys include: scientist, engineer, stock market trader, air traffic controller, dealer, film director, jeweler and sales representative.

Relationships: When it comes to relationships, Monkeys aren’t quick to settle down. In fact, they generally are promiscuous; a tendency that probably has to do with the fact that Monkeys are easily bored. Monkeys will end this type of behavior once they pair up with the perfect partner. In fact, more often than not, they’ll commit to that person in every way for life.

Elemental Monkey (Water): Water Monkeys are extremely sensitive and often feel hurt by the things that are said to them. They refuse to show their sensitive side to others and as a result, are extreme jokesters. If they can stay focused, they can succeed, but more often than not, they’re easily distracted from their goals.
http://www.chinesezodiac.com/monkey.php#personality

o.o If I thought the Gemini description fit me pretty well I laughed at how close the monkey seems to fit me... or that's what I think anyways. I still maintain the opinion that I'm NOT witty (I'm as boring as idk what since I'm so boring I can't think of a witty comparison -.-") I loled at the prospective job suggestions though... me plus anything to do with math or science seems HIGHLY likely to end in disaster... loled even more at the relationships. Perhaps. Just perhaps I WOULD be promiscuous. If anyone would actually WANT me enough that I would have people to be promiscuous WITH... orz haha... just kidding.

I think that the one thing that fits me the most out of all these personality analyses is that last line of what a water monkey is: If they can stay focused, they can succeed, but more often than not, they’re easily distracted from their goals. NATURAL PROCRASTINATOR BY BIRTH YEAR! OH YEAH~ Don't tell me it's not in my genes, it totally IS! >D /shot

[6/30] 30 Interesting Facts

2011-12-07T21:52:00.000-08:00

Hmm I quite like this one... luckily I actually have the time tonight to think of it... problem is, while I'm egotistical and self-centered and feel like there's TONS to write about myself, it's really hard to think of 30 'interesting' things on the spot like this...

Disclaimer: I can't promise they'll be interesting, they may not necessarily be all about me and some of them may be quite similar since I probably will think of one thing which will lead to another. Well... here goes anyways...

Day 06: Write 30 interesting facts about yourself
1. My "somewhat-official" middle name is Catherine.
2. I love Pokemon to the point where I can name almost all (darn Black and White ones) of them (or at least describe in detail any you throw at me =3).
3. My only plan for the future is to study abroad in Japan next year.
4. I love the dark.
5. I don't believe in ghosts, fairies, magic, the Easter bunny and the like.
6. I love all things artsy except for actually drawing or painting.
7. I've never pulled a reall all-nighter for school work to date.
8. Related to 7, rather than pull an all-nighter I would find some excuse as to why I couldn't hand in the work.
9. I lie a lot more than I should.
10. Overall I'm even uglier on the inside than on the outside.
11. I'm honestly blessed for the fact that I DO have friends despite my ugliness.
12. I'm an impossible romantic at heart.
13. I think it will be impossible for me to be in a relationship because my standards border ridiculous.
14. I'm a sneaky person that plays to other people's emotions for self-satisfaction.
15. I'm probably overconfident about all my abilities except for math and science.
16. I hate looking ignorant so I pretend to know about some things I have no idea about when people talk about it.
17. Tears well up in my eyes whenever I laugh hard (pretty embarrassing but I've been told it's cute o.o).
18. I wish I was a better singer.
19. When I want to procrastinate I often tend to sappy cliched shoujo oneshots with at least decent drawings (there aren't any left on mangafox T~T).
20. One thing that I really want for Christmas are the last volumes of Superior Cross translated (or Japanese RAW since translated seems impossible) but I find it too awkward to ask my brother (the who would probably get it) for it.
21. The other thing is... ... ... I can't say it but you should be able to figure it out >w<
22. I think that the guy should be the first one to confess only because I'd be too scared to ever confess my love to someone who could potentially reject/embarrass me.
23. I'm suspicious of practically everyone who talks to me for having an ulterior motive in their actions.
24. I've realized it's a miracle that I have people I can consider "true" friends since I barely put anything into relationships with anyone.
25. I can only think of two people I've ever seriously put effort into a relationship with. One seems to think (not without reason) that it's not enough and the other will probably never know how big a thing that was for me.
26. I originally started blogging wishing I could find a prince charming like Hikage in Koko ni Iru Yo >w<
27. I'm probably a super sadist >D
28. I regret that in high school I didn't make close friends with so many people I had the chance to.
29. I've often thought that if I disappeared off the face of the earth, other than my parents, no one would notice/care.
30. If I could go back and change just one thing in my life, I think I'd have gone back to a time when someone asked me: "What do you think of me?" and hit the 'enter' key.

Turned out to be something more of 30 confessions than 30 interesting facts... but I'm willing to bet that the challenge intended for that anyways. Ulterior motive successfully identified. /shot

[5/30] Suicide

2011-12-06T22:51:00.000-08:00

Day 05: A time you thought about ending your own life.

As I've rephrased it in the title, today's topic is SUICIDE.

Just to be frank and say it out straight: even if I've ever thought of doing it, I never would. Because...
1) I'm a coward
2) I'm averse to pain
3) I'm too proud and would feel like committing suicide would be an act of shame
4) I'm rational and hence know that there is still so much to live for despite one moment of depression

I think that's the gist of it anyways. But the question isn't asking if I'd do it or not, it's asking about a time when I've thought of doing it. So continuing on...

I don't know... up until about a year or two ago I feel like I've been in a constant bubble of good fortune and happiness and such so that I never had the chance to even think about ending my life. It's not like things changed dramatically over the past few years that would make me change my mind, but I guess I grew older and with it some of my thoughts wandered to that zone.

I gave it some thought, even went away and came back trying to think of a particular time when I had... darker... thoughts but... no time in particular comes to mind. For whatever reason the evening/late night seems to be when I feel the most pensive and moody... so to answer the question in the most direct way possible "one night when I was thinking about many things" is about as specific as I can honestly get. xD

[4/30] Religion

2011-12-05T20:29:00.000-08:00

Day 04: Your views on religion

Another day, another post I can't afford time on T~T 65% econ final... 25% ready ._.

So religion. I tend not to make it blindingly obvious but whether you know it or not I'm making it known here: Catholic Christian.

Since I have a religion, my views of religion are pretty much according to... well... my religion o.o As if that's not enough not only am I a Catholic Christian, I teach it at a Sunday School on a weekly basis.

Even so there are just some things about my religion that I sometimes have a hard time believing is right or true. To be honest, there are actually a couple of things that I just find kind of strange... I've even thought at times that the Bible was just a collection of stories fabricated from some stupid sexist men way back when. Face it, why else can't women be priests? Why is God the Father and Jesus the Son? They say God has no gender but... looks like He does to me. Why is Eve (the woman) the one that gave in to temptation first? Why was she the temptress that later persuaded Adam to sin? That issue is one thing my hypocritical women-favoring mind has difficulty accepting.

Of course there's more to my religion that I question than simply that... I've thought at times that it might be interesting to attend some sort of discussion about all this stuff but... of course... laziness/lack of time dictates otherwise.

But even though I have my doubts at times about some things, I would have to say that overall I do accept my religion. I actually chose for myself whether I wanted to have my religion or not. That being said, my reasons may not be the most meaningful or wise... it actually comes from a time years and years ago (who knows how old I was) about a conversation I remember with my mom... I remember asking her why she chose to be a Catholic. Her answer was so simple yet really left an impact on me:

"I like to think that there's someone up there who is responsible for giving me all the blessings that I have."

I don't mean to show off (but I'm doing it anyways) but I am pretty blessed. It almost seems strange that my mom thinks she's blessed because I have reason to believe I'm even more blessed than her. In her days she had to live a responsible life as one of the eldest of her five siblings, help out in her family's store and work for the things she wanted, even her post-secondary education. In my days I have my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my family everyone supporting me. Even though my parents both work full time I was raised by my family--no daycare no babysitter--my grandparents and my parents. Part of the reason I feel like I don't ever want to fail in life is because they've just given so much to me that it seems like I'm shaming them more than myself. More than that, everything I could ever need and so many things that I just want are provided to me. A home, a family, extracurricular opportunities, tuition, meals, games, love. I'm fairly sure that this isn't the first time I've said this but considering I've been on hiatus for months... I suppose it won't hurt to repeat as a reminder to myself.

In short (or not-so-short) I'm very blessed. And I thank God for that. So, although I got distracted halfway and went on a tangent, there you have it.

[3/30] Drugs/Alcohol

2011-12-04T23:07:00.000-08:00

Day 03: Your view on drugs and alcohol

Don't do them.

I would've just left it there 'cuz I'm short on time again (as usual), but I guess I'll go into a bit more depth. I've never done drugs and at most the total alcohol I've consumed all my life is probably less than half a glass so it's probably not my place to say much... but from my totally one-sided opinion it just seems stupid to get hooked on something so costly and life-threatening. As far as alcohol goes, some in moderation should be fine, but not to the point where it gets you killed. I've kind of wondered what it's like to be drunk or to drink away your sorrows.... but haven't tried it yet nor do I particularly want to at this moment in time. Who knows though.

And now enjoy this picture of the weird box of Japanese Pocky I received as a bribe for filling out a survey after my JLPT exam this afternoon.

[2/30] Future

2011-12-03T23:14:00.000-08:00

Day 02: Where you'd like to be 10 years from now

Fuudge... a question even harder than the first day x_x Since we're talking 10 years from now that would be when I'm... 29...? Dang I'll be old. =\ Well I suppose that's life... plus it could be worse~ I could be 39 o.o

So when I'm 29... well the FIRST thing I'd like to be is employed. No 29 year-old bum living on the streets with nothing but a laptop that I charge with some hand-cranked charger to live off of or anything xD But then comes the hard question as to what I would like to see myself employed AS... because as of now I have no clue what I want to do. I've managed to keep myself safe from decisions for the next little while just by deciding that I wanted to double major in Psychology and Economics, but if I fail to get accepted as an Economics major to double with Psych and Japanese... hopefully by killing myself with the double workload I'll be able to keep a couple more doors open... I don't know... for as far as I can remember seriously thinking about a future career, I guess the only feasible choice I've ever really liked was to be a teacher. Then again, while it's feasible and I think I would kind of like the career, at the same time I have just about as many reasons why I wouldn't want to be a teacher... most of them are kind of stupid though >w<

I'm cutting today's entry short by leaving it at that because I REALLY need to start cramming for my exam tomorrow... I studied all day... but considering the amount of material I potentially need to know, it's still nowhere NEAR enough >w<

Time flows once more...

2011-12-02T22:19:00.000-08:00

...it felt right to have my first post in months something fancy and professionally-written to show that I've come a long way in the time that I was away... only I realized that the first thing I would write would really be nothing different from what I used to write years ago, nor had I particularly come very far.

So yes... well... I guess... I don't really have much to comment on. I'm back. Mostly because a certain someone said "I miss you" and, after about a month, I finally got the message--and did indeed miss them as well ^-^" but I think also because I ironically/conveniently discovered the message on the last day of classes in this semester.

Things to say that have been piled up over months of silence threaten to overflow all into one colossal post... but I think I'll hold off on it for now.

...or I guess give 10 random things that I want to say/updates of my life...
1. I started my second year in university taking courses including intensive (and when I say intensive I MEAN INTENSIVE) japanese
2. I finally found an excuse 'force' myself to write creatively in 3 assignments, and used those 3 assignments to write and re-write parts of TITM... which I'll probably post sometime later
3. I started working at 2 part-time jobs in between school... though one of those part-time jobs threatens to be full-time even with school... ._.
4. I actually created a new blog something like two months ago with a url that I didn't like because I thought for a long time that I was going to abandon everything in the past and move on. In the time since then I accumulated 4 posts mostly from the days right after it was created, and all that resolve that I'd built up in the past months apparently disappeared in 2 mins or less today. Needless to say I don't think I'll be needing that other blog anymore. The url was lame anyways xD
5. I haven't watched Anime since.... idk when...
6. I still nico-stalk around once a week but I haven't watched a live since I watched clear and nero play super mario brothers and the timeshift of the musical in which shounenT died D:
7. I want/need a car D: but I guess I need to actually get my N first >_>
8. Another year older... not necessarily another year wiser
9. Superior is an awesome manga. I QQ sooo badly that the last volumes of Superior Cross aren't translated and that the only ones I can find of them are ONLY in Chinese (I was so desperate yesterday that I just read someone else's translations from a mangafox forum topic alongside the pictures o.o)
10. I realize that I should have started yesterday and made a new start at the start of a new month, but too bad, that's how life rolls. I will be starting a 30 day challenge randomly today and wondering if I can possibly keep it up for this month. I found that challenge months ago (I don't even know when... August maybe?) but never got the chance to instigate it.

There. Maximum length most likely already exceeded. Ciao~

[1/30] Relationships

2011-12-02T19:53:00.000-08:00

Here goes with that 30 day challenge... thankfully December has 31 days so I'll finish on the 31st anyways XD The list:
Day 01: Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

Che... just typical that they had to start with that... Meh, since I've got nothing to hide. Single. Been single all my life, still single, will probably be single for another long time just because. Actually... come to think of it... there was kind of a DAY in which I think there was something... but... I was way too immature and acted really weirdly for a lack of actually knowing how to act and yep... I feel really really sorry to the other person about how things... ended... or didn't... no, they probably ended...

But yeah, back to the question, single life. Well, it really depends on my mood how it is. I've kind of never really cared for it up until a year or two ago actually. Ever since shoujo manga came into my life I've secretly idealized a 'perfect high school relationship' though it's SOOO .... .... bleh... to admit it... but it didn't bother me more than a little that I never found anyone (or rather that anyone ever found me). Then when I started caring, I'll admit there have been times when I've really wished someone would find me and degraded myself to the point where I felt like I would really take ANYONE who would just pay enough attention to me. Oh my stupidity.

THANKFULLY I haven't felt that way in ages and I actually feel like I'm sane right now. I'm single and still not 20. That's good enough for me. I still think it wouldn't be bad to "find someone", but I'm not desperate like I was before (or at least I should hope not). Whatever happens, happens. It's not my place to complain about things that I don't put any effort into. It's a miracle I even have friends actually ._.

So there you have it? Thank goodness the rest of the 30 days aren't like this >_>

Redundant.

2011-04-11T14:02:00.001-07:00

Random outburst: why must it take her 4 painful text messages to ask me a simple 'yes-no question?!'

"But for"
"part a"
"re u goin to awnser in pragraph ?"
"paragraph"

... Every single time she has a question! If I didn't have unlimited texting I would be pretty upset at this point x_x as it turns out, I DO have unlimited. But still it annoys me. As far as I can remember, before she got unlimited texting she normally phrased her entire question in a single text. Why does the fact that it's free suddenly mean it needs to be split in 4? It's not like this is instant messaging and I'm going to reply to the first half or the question before she gets to finish what she wants to say or anything... This just irritates me (particularly when I'm in the middle of a game of Froggy Jump) because I'll end up with multiple texts interrupting my game from the same person only seconds apart!

I haven't even gone into the content of these messages which would require a full new rant... >_> we have an English exam on tuesday. Instead of googling the book and asking me for my notes (I don't have any) go BUY THE BOOK AND READ IT LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LAST NOVEMBER T-T just because you read slowly isn't an excuse to not buying/borrowing the book AT ALL... geez! ._.

桜の雨 / Sakura no Ame / Sakura Rain

2011-04-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

桜の雨／Sakura no Ame／Sakura Rain

Music and lyrics by: halyosy
Originally performed by: Hatsune Miku / 初音ミク
Nico cover by: GLITTER BOX (蛇足、 amu、□しろくろ■、将太
とのん、りせは、３１（みぃち))

This is a PREEETTY PREEEETTTTYYY song to begin with. These seven covering the song makes it even more epic @.@ For some reason I really love amu's voice in particular in here... Dasoku is fairly good too... I'm a little disappointed that both of them have such short parts though D: some of the others have lines that are twice as long D< But anyways~ here are the lyrics~

sorezore no basho e tabidatte mo
tomodachi da  kiku made mo nai jan
juunintoiro ni kagayaita hibi ga
mune hare to senaka osu

tsuchibokori  agekisotta koutei
kyuukutsu de tsukuzushita seifuku
tsukue no ue ni kaita rakugaki
doremo koremo bokura no akashi

hakushi no touji ni wa tsutaekirenai
omoide no kazu dake namida ga nijimu
osanakute kizutsuke mo shita
bokura wa sukoshi kurai otona ni nareta no kana

kyoushitsu no mado kara Sakura no Ame
fuwari tenohira
kokoro ni yoseta
minna atsumete dekita hanataba wo
sora ni hanatou

wasurenaide
ima wa mada chiisana hanabira da toshite mo
bokura wa hitori janai

getabako de mitsuketa koi no mi
rouka de koboshita fuhei fuman
okujou de taguri kaita mirai zu
doremo koremo bokura no akashi

sotsugyou shousho ni wa kaitenai kedo
hito wo shinji hito wo aishite mananda
naki
warai
yorokobi
ikari
boku mitai ni aoku aoku harewataru sora

kyoushitsu no mado kara Sakura no Niji
yume no hitohira
mune furuwaseta
deai no tame no hanare to shinjite
te wo furikaesou

wasurenaide
itsuka mata  ookina hanabira wo sakase
bokura wa koko de aou

ikusen no manabiya no naka de
bokura ga meguriaeta kiseki
ikutsu toshi wo tottemo kawaranide
sono yasashii egao

kyoushitsu no mado kara Sakura no Ame
fuwari tenohira
kokoro ni yoseta
minna atsumete dekita hanataba wo
sora ni hanatou

wasurenaide
ima wa mada  chiisana hanabira da toshite mo
bokura wa hitori janai

itsuka mata
ookina hanabira wo sakase
bokura wa koko de aou

No matter how hard it hurts me.
I'll never say good bye.
Your presence will always linger in my heart.
...wanna see your smile again.

Shocking.

2011-04-06T05:04:00.001-07:00

This is the first time I've EVER started to worry about not having enough words to reach the essay word limit. Whether it is because I've been more brief or because I'm staying too vague and not going into enough detail, I am at 1000/1800 with one point plus the conclusion remaining. In the words of my former Social Studies teacher: "shocking".

Oh how I wish the bs was coming to me as naturally as it did before x_x

The Evil Essay (EE)

2011-04-05T23:59:00.001-07:00

Who knew that writing an essay about something that INTERESTS you could be so much harder than writing about something that DOESN'T interest you? I've been sitting at my desk for a good two hours just trying to figure out how to structure one paragraph (my first paragraph after the intro ._.). It kind of sucks because there's SO MUCH I want to talk about but only 1800 words to do it in. Then I try to organize my similar thoughts together to make it work... but I can't help but diverge!

This is going to be a looong night....

Why oh why oh WHY did I have to procrastinate... AGAIN? T~T

LOL, after writing my title... come to think of it.... I didn't even have an interest in my EE so it wasn't even that hard to BS 4000 words... now I have a 1800 word paper and I'm facing so much more difficulty... Interesting....

Here comes the long one

2011-03-31T14:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure I REMEMBER all of the formal speech (called "keigo") that I learned at the start of the year anymore x_x Oh well, I'm just going to jump into things and maybe it will help me remember...?

To start... I'll write sentences that correspond to what some pictures in my textbook are doing xD Doesn't work very well if you can't see the pictures but... this review is more for me than anyone else anyways xP
1.　山下先生はバスにおのりになります。
2.　山下先生はだいがくにいらっしゃいます。
3.　山下先生は電話をおかけになります。
4.　山下先生は昼ご飯をめしあがります。
5.　山下先生はコンピュターをお使いになります。
6.　山下先生は家にお帰りになります。
7.　山下先生は料理をなさいます。
8.　山下先生はテレビをご覧になります。
9.　山下先生は本をお読みになります。
10.　山下先生はお休みになります。

Next comes changing questions into honorific form...

1.　お名前はなんとおっしゃいますか？
2.　どちらに住んでいらっしゃいますか？
3.　どんな音楽をよくお聞きになりますか？
4.　車を持っていらっしゃいますか？
5.　ご兄弟がいらっしゃいますか？
6.　週末、よく何をなさいますか？
7.　週末、どちらへよくいらっしゃいますか？
8.　きのう何を召し上がりましたか？
9.　外国にいらしゃった事がおありになりますか？
10.　どんな外国語をお話しになりますか？
11.　最近、映画をご覧になりましたか？
12.　毎日、何時ごろお休みになりますか？
13.　日本の歌を知っていらっしゃいますか？
14.　ペットを飼っていらっしゃいますか？
15.　どんなスポーツをなさいますか？
16.　お酒を召し上がりますか？
17.　結婚なさっていらっしゃいますか？
18.　有名人にあった事がおありになりますか？
19.　なぜ日本語を勉強なさっていらっしゃるんですか？

And now to fail-answer them attempting humble and extra-modest forms... x_x
1.　つきあかり・かんあと申します。
2.　カナダに住んでおります。
3.　Jーpopをよくききます。
4.　いいえ、車を持っておりません。
5.　はい、おとうとがおります。
6.　週末、よく何もございません。
7.　週末、教会に参ります。
8.　きのう、いちごをいただきました。
9.　はい、日本に行った事がありました。
10.　少し中国語や日本語やフランス語をお話しします。
11.　最近、Inceptionを見ました。
12.　毎日、午前一時ごろ寝ます。
13.　はい、日本の歌をよくしっております。
14.　いいえ、ペットをかっておりません。
15.　バドミントンやスノボーどーをなさいます。
16.　いいえ、お酒をいただきません。
17.　いいえ、まだ結婚しておりません。
18. 　いいえ、有名人におあいしませんでした。(except for this super famous/high-ranked person that I'm supposedly talking to right here... which is why I need to talk so formally)
19.　自分でマンガをほにゃくしたいから日本語を勉強しております。

Yup, barely started all the preparations I SHOULD be doing I suppose... guess I'll end my online practicing here...

More Japanese Practice

2011-03-31T13:55:00.000-07:00

Yup, yet another (and the final) test for this term before my final... THE ORAL TEST x_x

Honestly, I'm really worried about this one... first of all there's the whole problem of me getting 50% on my midterm... I'm not too sure I can even pull off a good mark on this oral test WITHOUT the pressure. One thing about taking university-leveled Japanese is that it finally made me realize that I'm not as good as my ego figured I was T~T It's hard! And I make careless mistakes so easily and I don't know anything. I can't remember how to write kanji of words that I can read, I have such limited vocabulary, I can't even use the CORRECT hiragana/katakana in times... How many times have I had tests returned to me with marks deducted for writing the WRONG characters? Heck, I spelled "bunka" (culture) "binka" on a quiz even though I OBVIOUSLY know better! The only skill that I THINK I still have confidence in is my listening abilities. First Anime then NND... I've always HEARD Japanese being spoken, but I'm useless at pretty much everything else. On the other end of that spectrum, worse than my grammar and Japanese knowledge, SPEAKING Japanese is probably my weakest weak point. Frankly, I SUCK at composing things on the spot. Not to mention I have to make sure what I'm saying is making sense, try to say what I want to say, not mixing up my particles or tenses or type of language... how the heck can I do "well enough to outweigh my midterm"??

Even though I know it's meaningless to mope and waste time here I am doing it already x_x ugh... filled so much of a post with complaining already. Even though this should be one of the LEAST helpful places for practicing an oral exam I'll try anyways. A general review of course material shouldn't be too bad I guess... onto the next page...

Perfect

2011-03-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

Perfect- Hedley

Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise
I just know we can't be over, I can see it in your eyes
Making every kind of silence, takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?

Making every kind of silence, it takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong

I know that I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?

When you're caught in a lie and you've got nothing to hide
When you've got nowhere to run and you've got nothing inside
It tears right through me, you thought that you knew me
You thought that you knew

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my, just myself
Just myself, myself, just myself

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying

Wut.

2011-03-25T20:58:00.001-07:00

Two words: My mom.

Interesting... we went there in the evening just on a whim after dinner and they were still selling them o.o not only that, apparently we went at prime time because after about a dozen people after us they "ran out of stock". In addition we only had to wait for an hour in line as compared to some people we know who waited from 8am to 5pm or even overnight!

(image taken on my iPhone for added lulz)

Quick Post

2011-03-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

Not much to say except for it's about time for me to stop procrastinating and start working... now >_>

And on another note, I arrived 20 mins late to a 50 minute class today D: stupid buses that are supposed to run every 10 minutes T~T I waited for 25 mins at the bus stop for 2 buses that never came, switched the bus route I took to school, had to transfer and wait another 10 mins for a bus hence why I was so late... Evil T~T

Dandelion

2011-03-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

Well... here's the first song that I'm putting up since... AWHILE... that isn't from NND xD Slightly related in ways though. It's a song by bless4 that I found after tracking AKINO singing Sousei na Aquarion.

Quick background info:
bless4 is a group of 4 Japanese-American siblings (surname is Kawamitsu): Akashi (M), Kanasa (F), Akino (F) and Aiki (M) born in that order. They were born and raised in America (though Akashi was born in Japan...) and made their musical debut in Japan. They all have stage names which are their names in all caps. AKINO does most of the main vocals and also leads a musical career on her own. AIKI has also apparently recently released his first solo single to accompany a book he wrote. They're all pretty young still (Aiki's 19! And Akino's 20...) but they have lots of talent~ I believe their family also runs a Japanese record label (with Akashi as... head?)... pretty cool @.@ Wiki it if you're interested xP

They also debuted in English-speaking countries with their single titled "Dandelion". Thanks to that, I was actually able to FIND the song on iTunes to buy it xP No illegal downloading for me~

Anyways, Dandelion is a pretty nice song if you want to give it a listen @.@ Surprisingly, when I did a quick google search I couldn't find the lyrics for it o.o SO I WANTED TO TRY TYPING IT UP BY MYSELF~ =D err... there may be some parts that are wrong (especially the start of the lines in the verse sung by both AKINO and AIKI)... but I did my best =3

Dandelion - bless4
Artist: bless4 (AKASHI, KANASA, AKINO and AIKI)
Music: Santolina Tamarix
Lyrics: Frank Tinney
Marabu-Records

AKINO:
Can you feel my heart beat?
Or can you read my mind?
Sometimes I'm lonely,
But I always keep my smile.

I wish I wouldn't be shy
And when you're near don't have to close my eyes

All:
Deep in my dreams I'm, flying in the sky
Like a blossom of a dandelion (dandelion)
And the world is coloured, through many butterflies
Blow us together dandelion

(KANASA: dandelion… fly, fly, fly to me)

AKINO:
Two can notice about me (ohhh)
Or maybe you're the one (yeah)
Sometimes I'm crying, (I'm crying too)
But I always keep my smile. (I always love your smile)

I wish I wouldn't be shy
And when you're near don't have to close my eyes (don't have to close my eyes)

All:
Deep in my dreams I'm, flying in the sky
Like a blossom of a dandelion (dandelion)
And the world is coloured, through many butterflies
Blow us together dandelion

AKINO & AIKI:
I like to be a dancer in the rainstorm.
And I've been through the colours of the sea
This really makes, me it's not believing
That one day true, love will come to me.

(KANASA: Hmm, I believe in true love. Some day, I know true love will come to me)

All:
Deep in my dreams I'm, flying in the sky
Like a blossom of a dandelion
And the world is coloured, through many butterflies
Blow us together dandelion

Deep in my dreams we're, flying in the sky
On a blossom of a dandelion
And that world is coloured, through many butterflies
Blow us together dandelion

My dandelion

また練習しましょう〜

2011-03-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

今日、日本語を練習しおうと思いま。作文を書いて苦手だから。よく漢字を覚えないし文法を自分で使わないし作文を書いて苦手です。でも日本語はちょっと難しいですね？かつようひょう(conjugations)はとってもとってもむずかしい！T〜T

もっと練習しなければなりませんと思います。

ところで、"ます"と"plain"...日記にどっちの方がいいですか？両方使ってもいいですか？ぜんぜん知らない...いつも"どっちでもいい"と思う。

さって、今日から毎週、一回ぐ以上(does that even work? o.o)日記見たい事を書くつもりです。

あ、でも...今日おもしろい事があまりありません...じゃ、日本語のクラスの宿題を練習します〜文法のことです。

passive-causativeを練習します〜これはちょっと難しいと思う...causativeもう難しいだから、あまりできません。今、conjugations を練習します。

dictionary >> passive >> causative >> passive-causative:
見る＞＞みられる＞＞みさせる＞＞みさせられる
いじめる＞＞いじめられる＞＞いじめさせる＞＞いじめさせられる
読む＞＞よまれる＞＞よませる＞＞よまされる
帰る＞＞かえられる＞＞かえらせる＞＞かえらされる
話す＞＞はなされる＞＞はなさせる＞＞はなされる
さわる＞＞さわられる＞＞さわらせる＞＞さわされる
泣く＞＞なかれる＞＞なかせる＞＞なかされる
笑う＞＞わられる＞＞わらせる＞＞わらされる
くる＞＞こられる＞＞こされる＞＞こされられる
する＞＞される＞＞させる＞＞させられる

そうと思います。どう？誰か分かりますか？正かどうか知りません...　orz

Pie~

2011-03-18T15:38:00.001-07:00

I really should have posted these for pi day xP pictures of an apricot-pineapple pie that my brother and I baked for our dad last Friday to celebrate his 49th (yes I'm keeping count xP) birthday~

Freudian Theory

2011-03-18T15:33:00.001-07:00

How ironic... Right after my Psychology midterm (literally... Had it this morning) which covered Freud's psychodynamic theory, I'm faced with one. Well I guess it's not all that ironic, but to me it is. And since I'm bored with an hour to kill (you'll see why later) I am going to educate you about it~ =D

According to Freud there are three components that form the basis of our personality: the id, the ego and the superego. The id is the primary component... It makes impulsive decisions... Like the decision to scream at something that scares you... Or something like that. The ego is the secondary component that involves rational thinking before actions. So... If you're hungry and you see a candy store, the I'd (my spell check corrects lowercase I-D to that and I'm too lazy to change it back... Deal with it xP) would want to walk in and start eating. The ego would be the component that would say "wait. Let's pay for it first." the ego just wants to avoid trouble. If it was problem-free to steal the candy (no one looking), it probably would. On the other hand, the third part is the superego~ this part is the moral component that would say "stealing is against the law even if no one sees."

Anyways, now that you know that, Freud also said that conflicts of interest between the three components cause anxiety (ie not being able to eat candy because you don't have money).

Back to the reason I'm posting this~ I finished Japanese class about 20 mins ago and then I have to wait a full hour before my economics discussion class... Normally I wouldn't have any hesitations about what to do... But... For one thing, this is an optional addition to my Econ class. For another attendance isn't taken. For a third there are only 4 students enrolled in this class, myself being one, my friends being the other 3. The class is taught by a teaching assistant (student teacher) who teaches the session three times in the week (hence you only have to attend one.) this week one of my friends attended Wednesday's session, hence she won't be here today. Furthermore it seems the TA just went over questions the students have. This is the one week in which I have no questions, we don't have anything to learn, and my brain is slightly fried from taking a psych midterm followed by an English presentation followed by a Jap in-class composition. It's Friday afternoon.

Conflict of the ego and superego right there. I could escape the class by skipping right here and now... Or I can wait... Half an hour... More and attend the class I don't really need. From my other two friends one says she's going to skip. I haven't heard back from the other. What do I do?

It's not like I'll miss anything... It's not like I'll get in trouble... It's just that the poor TA will show up and wait for an hour in an empty classroom... ... ... Well considering I've already been here for half an hour it looks like my superego won... My friend's ego seems to have won, but I just can't bring myself to turn away from the fact that I'm wasting someone else's time like this... =\

Half an hour left...

Really?

2011-03-17T13:09:00.001-07:00

Those people in my math class make me feel like I'm a good kid o.o

And then I laugh when I realize how strange that seems. ._.

Haa

2011-03-15T22:34:00.001-07:00

Well... as of now I still haven't managed to actually hit the "publish" button for my earlier Japanese practice posts... BUT TOO LATE FOR THAT I'M STARTING WHERE I FEEL LIKE IT NOW~

Today... food for thought I guess?

This topic is kind of something that's been on my mind practically since September... I have a group of friends who, for one reason or another, are ESL students studying at my university. They all speak English, but on a pretty basic level. What kind of (for a lack of another word) "frustrated" me on a regular basis is that... I think that they ARE good people... they ARE smart people... they ARE hard-working (mostly) people... but their grades aren't really reflecting what I think they're capable of doing. We're in several of the same classes together and, unlike MANY other students (about 60/80 in my Econ class) they actually ATTEND all of the lectures. But the problem is, in Econ and in our Psych course, I feel like they have a really unfair disadvantage just because the classes are taught in English. Like, for example, so many of the psychological terms that we learn about just 'make sense' to me... my friends say it's because I'm 'a genius', but rather... I only remember and understand the words because the terminology itself is just self-explanatory...

One of those friends has been educated in Chinese all of her life... once I asked her why she chose to come all the way from China to study such complex topics in a foreign language to her. She explained to me that it was because the universities in China are even more difficult to get into, hence she felt lucky enough to be accepted in Canada. I guess that's a pretty good reason... but isn't that just a little too unfair for them? If it's so hard to get in, they're forced to study abroad and get lower marks than they SHOULD be getting just because of a language barrier?

To be fair, I should point out that I've only told one side of the story... I guess I could continue from there to present both sides... the language barrier making things more difficult for them is one major problem for them... but sometimes I wonder if that problem can be as far-reaching as to interfere with their motivation and attention as well. When I think about it, it kind of makes sense... they don't understand complicated vocabulary and often have difficulties understanding what the professors are saying at the pace they're going at... But does that mean that they should shut down in class? I mean, it's not like if they paid attention they would REALLY understand things (hoping that I'm not looking down on them too much but really...) more, but is that an excuse for not paying attention?

Okay, I ended that last paragraph a little prematurely because even I don't really know what I'm trying to say right now but I don't feel like deleting this post.

To put things short it's like this: From my friends, I've seen each of their different ways of studying and learning... and it is kind of sad yet intriguing at the same time. On one end, one person (who seems to have a better grasp of English than the others), pays attention in class and is able to process the information decently enough to understand what's going on and ask for clarification when she's confused. At home she works... definitely harder than I do... probably more than the others too... so she understands the material and is doing a decent job in her courses. I think I feel the most upset about her situation BECAUSE she works so hard... *ego speaking:* if she had my grasp of English, or any more complex knowledge I get the feeling she would be the one excelling far above me... why is it that circumstances are preventing her from this?

On the other end of the spectrum (and kind of the thing bringing this whole issue back to me now) there's one friend who has been living in Canada for the longest out of the group (about 3-4 years I think?)... yet (I suspect) she doesn't ever use English outside of class... hence it hasn't really developed... for her I know it's hard to focus on stuff she doesn't understand in classes and everything... but that's the thing--she doesn't. I think it's her study habit of trying to write down everything the professor is saying without understanding what any of it means... but it's not helping her in the least... but moreover at home I don't really know what she does with her spare time... I know she works some nights, but for others I can't figure out why she doesn't just do the textbook readings in her own time to understand things. To add to this, my problem is that I don't really know how to tell her how she can change her habits to improve... she goes to class, takes notes she doesn't fully understand, copies my notes which I sometimes also suspect she doesn't fully understand, doesn't read the textbook... I think the exam results wouldn't be that hard to predict =\ But is all of this really her fault? Isn't the language barrier partially to blame for all of this? I understand the feeling of being reluctant to get down and do 30 pages of reading... I would hate it even moreso if I had to translate a word from every other sentence... but what can you do? How can she get beyond this so that she can really reach full potential?

Life can be so unfair sometimes.. =\

What do you know~

2011-03-12T23:44:00.001-08:00

I was just about to give up on posting for today because I figured I'd have missed the midnight mark anyways when I realized it's still 11:44 xD Daylight savings time ends today though so technically it's 12:44 ._.

Nothing much to say for today~ I baked lotsa stuff today and yesterday and took pictures but I can't upload them right now D:

Enjoy this post of nothingness?

Temptation

2011-03-10T23:26:00.000-08:00

Only the first day after Ash Wednesday and ALREADY I've had the craving for bubble tea. Oh well, at least I'm not my brother who ONLY sacrificed chocolate for 40 days and ended up eating it already this evening (lol). But yes~ today's post (which I almost forgot to do) is a picture of something I baked with a club awhile ago... Cranberry strudel rolls @.@ This must've been the easiest thing I've made in... a LONG time... since we bought the stuff for the skins and the inside filling was really just mixing a bunch of stuff. Enjoy and feel hungry~

Land of White

2011-03-10T09:07:00.000-08:00

A photo I was supposed to upload long ago when I took it @.@ And now I was supposed to do some fancy writing here only... I have to get started on a project so I'd better not =S Until later/tonight~

40 Sugarless Days Begin

2011-03-09T23:21:00.000-08:00

Today is Ash Wednesday. For those of you not familiar with this Christian day, it's the beginning of a season called Lent which is 40 days long remembering the suffering of Jesus and reflecting on our sinful ways. As is tradition, generally during Lent people are expected to reflect on their actions and also observe days of fasting (not eating) and abstinence (abstaining from something). As school children we were usually encouraged to make a sacrifice be it playing computer games for a week or anything... since I started observing this celebration a few years back my Lenten sacrifices have just been getting more and more ambitious~ (and it's normally all food-based) So here's this year's resolve:

~No bubble tea
~No chocolate/candy
~No ice cream
~No juice
~No buying baked goods from school (I swear that's where all my new year money's been going so far)

Yep~ I think I've just been adding one food item to the list every year xD Next year though it'll probably have to end up being something like "no DS" or "no NND" o.o once my eating habits are totally restricted electronics should follow~ ... ... I'm probably going about this in the wrong way... the important thing to remember about Lenten sacrifices is that it should be done with the goal of remembering the sacrifice Jesus made for us...

Normally I would refrain from talking about anything remotely related to religion and religious concepts, but for today since I wanted to have a concrete declaration of my sacrifices. I'm sorry to anyone whom this may have angered/offended/had a negative reaction on in any way at all. No harm was meant ^^"

Just like that

2011-03-09T23:14:00.000-08:00

Two days have passed without me managing to post anything D: well I actually COULD have posted something two days ago when I finally touched Photoshop for the first time in... awhile... (or I guess not THAT long since I just remembered I used it to make that new year's card awhile back.) Oh well, might as well upload it now~ I made a new avie for CR since... the last one was my Valentine's avie from last year xD
This is horribly wishy-washy and the colors look kind of ineffective and all over the place in retrospect... plus it looks even more horrible when it's a tiny thumbnail (I think that's the word) thing when I post on walls... Oh well, it's something new I guess... hopefully something better will come next time (or some nice old creative writing! I just haven't been up to it for the past while =_=")

I spy

2011-03-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

Let's play I spy... I spy...

The marginal propensity to consume (MPC) is the fraction of a change in disposable income that is spent on consumption. It is calculated as the change in consumption expenditure (deltaC) divided by the change in disposable income (deltaYD). The formula is

MPC = deltaC/deltaYD.

Tired of reading big words that seem pointless? So am I. And I still have a few chapters to go before I can say I've actually studied enough to have confidence in getting a PASSING mark x_x it's going to be a long night...

and if you haven't figured out what I've spied yet...

And a dash of sugar~

2011-03-05T20:48:00.000-08:00

Really random, but today I'm spontaneously going to give you a recipe that I haven't even tried for myself yet xD (explanation coming)

I volunteer weekly to help out at with a group of Beavers. By Beavers, I don't mean beavers as in the furry animals that live near the water, build dams and use their tails as hammers to build the dam. I mean Beavers as in the division of Boy Scouts for kids (not just boys) aged... 5-7...ish...?

Anyways~ this week I'm in charge of coming up with an activity for the duration of the meeting (1 hour). Thanks to the suggestion from one of my friends, I finally came up with a concrete idea!

We're going with one of her suggestions which I initially discarded as too easy... bubble-making~ I think somehow I can probably stall and stretch out the activity to entertain them for an hour xD Though considering it's been years since I've ever experimented with bubbles (those were the days... back when I wasn't in school... a LONG time ago xD) I'm hoping that the recipe will go well without having tested it xD

Homemade Bubbles

Materials:
~Water
~Dish-washing liquid
~Glycerin (which is apparently the equivalent to corn syrup)
~Food coloring (just a touch to give the bubbles color I guess)
~and a dash of sugar~

I didn't put any proportions for those things because (what I'm planning to be) the whole fun of the experiment is to try out different proportions and then eventually find what proportion works best.

Directions:
Mix all that stuff together in a container and hope for the best~ xD Then take a pipe cleaner and bend it into the shape of a wand!

Sounds fun eh? I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this idea will actually work xD If anyone has made bubbles and has any suggestions or tips, feel free to share~ xD

This article is labeled under cooking because it's a recipe. Lol~

ハロ／ハワユ

2011-03-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

And I felt like I just had to post to push that pathetic spur-of-the-moment post away~ Yeah, I know it's not the end of the world. SO MOVING ON~

Hmm... what to do for today... @.@ More lyrics I suppose? I just finished downloading a whole ton of songs out of boredom... (procrastinating yet again on an econ midterm... not the smartest thing to do having JUST done so poorly on that Jap one but...) I've discovered why there are so many fans of clear and ヲタみん... their voices go well together @.@ *just downloaded almost all of their songs*

Unrelated to that, here are song lyrics for a song I've had for awhile @.@ Haro/Howayu (Hello/How are you... so cute~ xD) リツカ (Ritsuka) version~ (sorry if I've already given this song/lyrics o.o I can't remember if I have or haven't yet xD but I REALLY feel like I've used that title before o.o)

&amp;lt;br /&amp;gt;&amp;lt;br /&amp;gt;&amp;lt;br /&amp;gt;

Gotta love this song... and this version @.@ so cute...

Haro mado o akete chisaku tsubuyaita
Hawayu daremo inai heya de hitori
Moonin asa ga kita yo doshaburi no asa ga
Chikkutaku watashi no neji o dareka maite

Haro mukashi no anime ni sonna no itakke na
Hawayu urayamashii na minna ni aisarete
Suriipin baka na koto ittenaide shitaku o shinakucha
Kurain namida no ato o kakusu tame

Mou

Kuchiguse ni natta "maa ikka"
Kinou no kotoba ga futo atama o nobiru
"Mou kimi ni wa zenzen kitai shitenai kara"

Sorya maa watashi datte
Jibun ni kitai nado shitenai keredo
Are wa ittai douiu tsumori desu ka

Nodomoto made dekakatta kotoba
Kuchi o tsuite deta no wa uso
Koushite kyou mo watashi wa kichou na
Kotoba o rouhi shite ikiteyuku

Naze kakushite shimau no desu ka
Warawareru no ga kowai no desu ka
Dare ni mo aitakunai no desu ka
Sore hontou desu ka

Aimai toiu na no umi ni yowarete
Iki mo dekinai hodo kurushii no
Sukoshi koe ga kikitaku narimashita
Hontou ni yowai na

Ikkou ni susumanai shitaku no tochuu
Mourou toshita atama de omou
"Mou riyuu o tsukete yasunde shimaou kana"

Iyaiya wakattemasu tte
Nantonaku itte mita dake da yo
Wakatteru kara okoranaide yo

Shiawase darou to fushiawase darou to
Byoudou ni zankoku ni
Asahi wa noboru

Ikiteiku dake de
Seiippai no watashi ni
Kore ijyou nani o nozomu toiu no

Naze ki ni shite shimau no desu ka
Hontou wa aisaretai no desu ka
Sono te o hanashita no wa dare desu ka
Ki ga tsuitemasu ka

Jinsei ni taimu kaado ga aru nara
Owari no jikan wa itsu nan darou
Watashi ga ikita bun no kyuuryou wa
Dare ga haraun desu ka

Sankyuu arigatou tte iitai no
Sankyuu arigatou tte iitai no
Sankyuu　ichido dake de mo ii kara
Kokoro no soko kara oonaki shinagara arigatou tte iitai no

Naze kakushite shimau no desu ka
Hontou wa kiite hoshii no desu ka
Zettai ni warattari shinai kara
Hanashite mimasen ka

Kuchi o hirakanakereba wakaranai
Omotteru dake de wa tsutawaranai
Nante mendoukusai ikimono deshou
Ningen toiu no wa

Haro hawayu
Haro hawayu
Haro hawayu
Anata ni haro hawayu

Ugh

2011-03-04T15:05:00.001-08:00

Well I just royally failed my Japanese midterm x_x I lost at least 20% straight off the bat for not answering questions. Not to mention the easy things I missed out on. Truthfully, I want to cry right now. But I'm with a friend so (for better or for worse) I can't.

Remember

2011-03-03T23:20:00.000-08:00

Just before I get carried away cramming as much BS as I possibly can into my 4 page-max group project for Psychology due tomorrow that I'm still working on (but nearly done) I thought I'd take a moment to remember.

What is it I'm remembering? Many things I guess. But here's the one thing that made my day remembering~

Sadly the only reminiscent image I seem to have on hand at the moment. No fancy editings this time, just memories. Nostalgic nonetheless. Enjoy~

Oops

2011-03-03T00:29:00.000-08:00

Missed the midnight mark by a bit there =S Well, in my defence I was actually NOT procrastinating. So I'm happy~

Until later tonight when I (possibly won't need to but most likely will) be raging about how my life sucks because I'm doomed to fail my Jap test after failing to hand in a completed English essay topic (yet another deadline to add to that list for tomorrow x_x)

Adieu~

Another day, another month

2011-03-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

Oops! I got kind of lazy/busy/... ... for awhile so I didn't really get the chance to post much in awhile. I think I probably start every month intending to make blog posting a daily habit but so far...

Anyways! In other news I've now gotten so busy that I haven't even been able to lurk on CR in more than a week D: Important quiz tomorrow, midterm Friday, group project (which I haven't started) also Friday, composition next Thursday plus 2 more midterms somewhere in there next week. I think I failed my math test again today too T~T Who knows how the heck I'm ever going to even be PERMITTED into that summer school math class... T~T

And now back to seeing how much macroeconomics material I can cram into my head in the next hour and ten minutes... wish me luck... x_x

Interesting

2011-02-16T23:36:00.000-08:00

I finally figured out today by searching "ShounenT - promise" the first link that comes up on the google search engine is my earlier post on him xD It's also on the first page when searching "ShounenT". I finally have an explanation as to why that page has been getting so many page views @.@

ANYWAYS~ I'll apologize now to anyone if this blog entry appears on the google search engine for ShounenT since this post isn't really useful or even related to him in many ways o.o I did read about him going to and coming back from Taiwan though xD and luled at his drawings on paint (gekochu~ xD) found on his blog @.@

Yup, and that aside now I get to photo spam a bit~ here are the pics of Valentine's Day chocolates that I made for my friends @.@
These ones were the super lazy chocolates that I made... milk chocolate and peanut butter... all I did was melt chocolate chips and put them into molds >_> I made some fancy green tea white chocolates but those didn't come out as well because the cream ruins everything. Anyways~ I also made a second batch of chocolates mixing milk and white chocolate. Here's a pic of the full set~! Some of the peanut butter parts of the bottom ones were kind of sloppily done ._. but it all tastes good in the end xD And no I wasn't lazy for the 3rd row. Those have white chocolate inside =D *was hard to make the chocolate such that the white chocolate didn't show up on the outside* So yeah, enjoy looking at them? =3

Finally Useful~

2011-02-14T23:43:00.001-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day all~

I was supposed to put up the pic(s) of chocolate I "made" for my female friends that I hung out with today but... Since I forgot to do it before I left for a sleepover at my friend's house... Tomorrow it'll be~ probably...

karaoke from 7pm to now after recording a song cover with friends... My day was surprisingly musical today o.o

Distraction

2011-02-13T01:19:00.001-08:00

Today I played Uno with my older cousin and my younger brother until 5 mins ago... fun~ xD xD *is giving the excu--reason she didn't write something more meaningful yesterday*

11pm

2011-02-10T22:58:00.000-08:00

It's 11pm. I have an assignment due tomorrow which I've barely started. I'm still doing all that I can to procrastinate including posting this blog entry. WHAT A FAILURE OTL.

And now to stop procrastinating and hope this all somehow works out ^-^" Until tomorrow~

雨でおさんぽ

2011-02-10T00:05:00.000-08:00

これは今日のさくぶんの宿題です。2時ぐらいかかりました。ちょっと書きにくいでしたけどたのしかった！もっと練習しなければなりません！

雨でおさんぽ - A Walk in the Rain

ある場所に一人の男子がいました。たろうという男です。たろうは小さいな町で生まれそだちました。いくらかじゅう時間があるときは、となりの町に大きいな公園であそびました。

ある日、公園に行く途中で、たろうは雨に降られました。”ふう、雨に降られただね。急いでいたから、傘を持たないで、きちゃったんだ。とにかくここに服をかわかしなくちゃ。”たろうは雨がきらいだからもよりの店に入りました。”そうだ！母はきっとすぐにかさを持って来るだから待ったおう。しかし、このたばこ屋はつまらない。母に早く会いに行った方がいい。”雨をわすれて店を出かけました。”ふむ、またぬれている。どうしよう？”たろうが気付きました。気付いたの後でもよりのおもちゃ屋にはいりました。今度雨が上がるときまで待ちやすいでした。

I feel so accomplished having written that much >:3 I've also learned that writing on genkiyoushi paper is VERY annoying if you mess up/miss a character and realize that while proofreading >_> Oh well, that's done.

2011-02-08T00:04:00.001-08:00

Well I just literally failed (48%) my "quiz" for economics. I'm bitter about that in far too many ways right now.

This comes after the long day involving an unforseen Japanese quiz which I also didn't study. Can't wait for tomorrow's addition: Math quiz.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Happy Lunar New Year~

2011-02-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

What the title says~ And unfortunately I have that dreaded midterm tomorrow and I must stop procrastinating NOW so I won't have time to make a proper post or even a New Year-related one... I assure you, this isn't subliminal messaging to a certain someone about a certain something that must be done ASAP...

ACUTE
Clear x Wotamin x Seriyu Version

tsumetai heya wo yureugoku kanjou
surudoku eguru nureta hokosaki
hanabi no you ni moeagaru shuunkan
tagai wo kogashi yakeato wo nameau
yasashiku

kono mama de ii to omotteta
nigedashita yoru no naka de
amaoto ga mado wo uchinarasu
koukai ni sainamareta

watashi dake wo mite hoshii nante
sunao ni ieru wake mo nai
yuganda ai no ketsumatsu ni wa
nani ga mieru?

yami ga fukamari hanatareru yokubou
ima kono basho de kotaete hoshii
dareka no kage ga miekakure shite iru
obieru you ni sono mune ni karada wo uzumete

itsu datte shiritai jijou wa
saishin no KANKEI darou
karakara to nibui oto wo tate
haguruma wa mawatte iru

aki mo shinaide ANATA wo shinji
nareta sagyou ga kurukuru to
tashikameatta tsumori ni natte
gomakasareru

totsuzen no beru karamiau yuujou
uso wo kasanete hohoenda mama
kurushimagire no iiwake ni sugareba
sabita KOKORO wa
yukkuri to mahi shite iku dake

tsumetai heya wo kousa suru kanjou
ima kono basho de kotaete hoshii
akuma no koe wa tsukisasari kienai
kamen no ura wo saa hikihagashite

yami ga fukamaru modorenai aijou
surudoku eguru nureta hokosaki
hanabi no you ni hajikete kieru made
tagai wo kogashi subete wo moyashiteku
yasashiku

創聖のアクエリオン

2011-02-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

Sorry! Low on time AGAIN this week x_x So I'm going to have to be taking the lazy way out and leaving with just song lyrics and a song for today! On another note though, this IS what I spent a long time searching for yesterday xD The song (romanized) is Sousei no Aquarion meaning Genesis of Aquarion... from the Anime titled Genesis of Aquarion I suppose...

ANYWAYS~ I kind of got obsessed with finding that song randomly because I always hear it in the background music of some NND lives @.@ The only line I knew from it was "Ichimannen to nisennen mae kara aishiteru " which is the first line of the chorus... and even then I only knew the word "aishiteru" so trying to find the song by typing in the lyrics on a search bar would've kind of... really... failed xD So since I never had the patience/guts to actually try to ask what the song was called in a live, I decided to try to find the song from another place I figured I'd heard it before: Nanairo no Nico Nico Douga which is like... a medley of snippets from as many songs that can fit (bad grammar but I'm lazy to figure out why) in about 11 mins. Sousei no Aquarion just so happens to be part of the ending which has snippets of 3 other songs playing simultaneously with it. OTL. Finding out which song I was looking for using the list of song names that I had wasn't exactly easy (there were actually many easier ways to do it but I just didn't know =.="). SO YEAH~ Long story over, here's that pretty song that I finally found @.@ Sad that there don't seem to be many utaite who have covered this song... halyosy's was okay... nothing spectacular though... Yoppei is just... yoppei so naturally I didn't listen to his entire cover... -.-"

創聖のアクエリオン / Sousei no Aquarion / Genesis of Aquarion

Sekai no hajimari no hi	On the day the world begin
Inochi no ki no shita de	Beneath the tree of life
Kujiratachi no koe no	We two heard the distant
Tooi zankyou futari de kiita	Echoes of the whales' voices

Nakushita mono subete	All the things I've lost
Aishita mono subete	All the things I've loved
Kono te ni dakishimete	Embraced in these hands
Ima wa doko wo samayoi iku no	Where do they wander now?

Kotae no hisomu kohaku no taiyou	The answers lie hidden the the amber sun
Deawanakereba satsuriku no tenshi de irareta	Had I not met you, I could not be an angel of slaughter
Fushi naru matataki motsu tamashii	The glittering souls that wait become immortal
Kizutsukanaide boku no hane	Don't hurt my wings
Kono kimochi shiru tame umarete kita	I came into being to know this feeling

Ichimannen to nisennen mae kara aishiteru	I've loved you since ten thousand years ago and two thousand more
Hassennen sugita koro kara	After about eight thousand years had passed
Motto koishiku natta	You became more dear
Ichioku to nisennen ato mo aishiteru	I'll still love you after a hundred million years and two thousand more
Kimi wo shitta sono hi kara	Since the day I knew you
Boku no jigoku ni ongaku wa taenai	The music has not died out in my hell

Sekai ga owaru mae ni	Before the world ends
Inochi ga owaru mae ni	Before my life ends
Nemuru nageki hodoite	Letting go of sleeping pride
Kimi no kaori dakishimetai yo	I want to embrace your fragrance

Mimi sumaseta wadatsumi no kioku	The memories of the sea god ended in my ears
Shitsui ni nomare tachitsukusu uruwashiki tsuki	The beautiful moon stands still, drowning in disappointment
Yomigaere towa ni karenu hikari	Revive the light dried up in eternity
Yogasarenaide kimi no yume	Don't stain your dreams
Inori yadoshi nagara umarete kita	I came into being to carry these prayers

Ichimannen to nisennen mae kara aishiteru	I've loved you since ten thousand years ago and two thousand more
Hassennen sugita koro kara	After about eight thousand years had passed
Motto koishiku natta	You became more dear
Ichioku to nisennen ato mo aishiteru	I'll still love you after a hundred million years and two thousand more
Kimi wo shitta sono hi kara	Since the day I knew you
Boku no jigoku ni ongaku wa taenai	The music has not died out in my hell

Kimi ga kurikaeshi otona ni natte	You repeatedly become an adult
Nando mo nando mo tooku e itte	No matter how many times, how many times, you go far away
Mimamoru boku ga nemurenai boku ga	I watch over you, I can't sleep
Kusha kusha ni natta to shite mo	Even if I become disheartened
Kimi no na wo utau tame ni	So that I may sing in your name

Ichimannen to nisennen mae kara aishiteru	I've loved you since ten thousand years ago and two thousand more
Hassennen sugita koro kara	After about eight thousand years had passed
Motto koishiku natta	You became more dear
Ichioku to nisennen ato mo aishiteru	I'll still love you after a hundred million years and two thousand more
Kimi wo shitta sono hi kara	Since the day I knew you

Ichimannen to nisennen mae kara aishiteru	I've loved you since ten thousand years ago and two thousand more
Hassennen sugita koro kara	After about eight thousand years had passed
Motto koishiku natta	You became more dear
Ichioku to nisennen ato mo aishiteru	I'll still love you after a hundred million years and two thousand more
Kimi wo shitta sono hi kara	Since the day I knew you
Boku no jigoku ni ongaku wa taenai	The music has not died out in my hell

I found it!

2011-02-01T23:08:00.000-08:00

Happy February!

And now I don't have time to tell you exactly WHAT I found since I've just spent the whole evening procrastinating and I really REALLY need to study for my Pysch midterm this Friday x_x

Mata ato de!

まだ練習したい〜

2011-01-31T23:16:00.000-08:00

今日も何もしませんでした...土曜日にしんりがくのしけんがあります。あまりべんきょうしませんでしたOTL　もうすぐべんきょうしなければなりますけど今日本語の練習時！

今日もけいごを練習したい。けいごを使って自己紹介しましょう〜（にほんごをあまりしりませんひとのためにこれからむずかしいかんじをつかわない）

はじめまして、つきあかりかんあともします。ペンネームは「月」でございますが...つきあかりかんあもペンネームでございます。カナダにすんでおります。わたくしはじゅうはっさいの大学生でございます。かぞくで四人がおります。りょうしんとおとうとです。わたくしのしゅみはアニメをおみしたりしょうせつをおかいしたりします。バドミントンやスノーボードを好きでございます。よろしくおねがいいたします。

〜おしまい〜

どうでしたか？わかりましたか？けいごはちょっとむずかしそうですね...　さって、すぎは今日のにっきですね..

今日、車とバスで学校に参りました。Art Studiesのクラスの宿題をしてしまいましたとお思いしましたが実は、ちがう本をお読みしました！　たいへんですが正本を読まないでクラスに参りました。

だめです。続きません。止まりたいだからここで止まります！ xD

And I hope you liked my valiant effort to produce something grammatically correct... unfortunately it's doubtful that anyone reading this will actually be able to tell me if it's right or wrong T~T

Q: Did I use the grammar correctly?
A: さあ、正しい文法を使うかどうかしりません。。。D:

I would just like to say...

2011-01-30T22:43:00.001-08:00

that Macs are awesome xP *is a converted Apple-user* Other than the annoying problem with the keyboard keys being super shallow, I think I can really say I prefer it to my Windows computer =3

*this statement brought to you in light of the fact that the majority of people still use Windows computers*

悪ノ召使

2011-01-29T12:31:00.000-08:00

(video version featuring Sekihan~ because I'm biased like that xP Because I was bored I bothered to include the kanji, romaji AND english lyrics this time~ special @.@ *was too lazy to edit the lyrics to add the part Sekihan sings in his girl voice though*)

悪ノ召使 /Aku no Meshitsukai / Servant of Evil

君は王女　僕は召使
運命分かつ　哀れな双子
君を守る　その為ならば
僕は悪にだってなってやる

期待の中僕らは生まれた
祝福するは教会の鐘
大人たちの勝手な都合で
僕らの未来は二つに裂けた

たとえ世界の全てが
君の敵になろうとも
僕が君を守るから
君はそこで笑っていて

君は王女　僕は召使
運命分かつ　哀れな双子
君を守る　その為ならば
僕は悪にだってなってやる

隣の国へ出かけたときに
街で見かけた緑のあの娘
その優しげな声と笑顔に
一目で僕は恋に落ちました

だけど王女があの娘のこと
消してほしいと願うなら
僕はそれに応えよう

どうして？涙が止まらない

君は王女　僕は召使
運命分かつ　狂おしき双子
「今日のおやつはブリオッシュだよ」
君は笑う　無邪気に笑う

もうすぐこの国は終わるだろう
怒れる国民たちの手で
これが報いだというのならば
僕はあえて　それに逆らおう

「ほら僕の服を貸してあげる」
「これを着てすぐお逃げなさい」
「大丈夫僕らは双子だよ」
「きっとだれにもわからないさ」

僕は王女　君は逃亡者
運命分かつ　悲しき双子
君を悪だというのならば
僕だって同じ　血が流れてる

むかしむかしあるところに
悪逆非道の王国の
頂点に君臨してた
とても可愛い僕の姉弟

たとえ世界の全てが
君の敵になろうとも
僕が君を守るから
君はどこかで笑っていて

君は王女　僕は召使
運命分かつ　哀れな双子
君を守る　その為ならば
僕は悪にだってなってやる

もしも生まれ変われるならば
その時はまた遊んでね

kimi wa oujo boku wa meshitsukai
unmei wakatsu aware na futago
kimi no mamoru sono tame naraba
boku wa aku ni datte natte yaru

kitai nonaka bokura wa umareta
shuku-fuku suruwa kyoukai no kane
otona tachi no katte na tsugou de
bokura no mirai wa futatsu ni saketa

tatoe sekai no subete ga
kimi no teki ni narou tomo
boku ga kimi wo mamoru kara
kimi wa sokode waratte ite

kimi wa oujo boku wa meshitsukai
unmei wakatsu aware na futago
kimi wo mamoru sono tame naraba
boku wa aku ni datte yaru

tonari no kunie dekaketa tokini
machi de mikaketa midori no anoko
sono yasashige na koe to egao ni
hitome dee boku wa koi ni ochi-masita

dakedo oujo ga anoko no koto
kesite hoshii to negau nara
boku wa sore ni kotae you
dousite? namida ga tomara-nai

kimi wa oujo boku wa meshitsukai
unmei wakatsu kuruoshiki futago
"kyou no oyatsu wa Brioche dayo"
kimi wa warau mujyaki ni warau

mousugu kono kuni wa owaru darou
ikareru kokumin tachi no tede
korega mukui dato iuno naraba
boku wa aete soreni sakara-ou

"hora boku no fuku kasite ageru"
"kore wo kite sugu onige-nasai"
"daijyoubu bokura wa futago dayo"
"kitto dare nimo wakara naisa"

boku wa oujo kimi wa toubousha
unmei wakatsu kanashiki futago
kimi wo aku dato iuno naraba
boku datte onaji chiga nagare-teru

mukashi mukashi aru tokoroni
aku-gyaku hidou no oukoku no
chouten ni kun-rin siteta
totemo KAWAII boku no kyoudai

tatoe sekai no subete ga
kimi no teki ni narou tomo
boku ga kimi wo mamoru kara
kimi wa dokoka de waratte ite

kimi wa oujo boku wa meshitsukai
unmei wakatsu aware na futago
kimi wo mamoru sono tame naraba
boku wa aku ni datte natte yaru

moshimo umare kawareru naraba
sono toki wa mata ason de ne

You are my princess
I am only your servant
We are twins that destiny has played a cruel jest on
Even if the whole world turns against you
I'll become the only evil that is on your side

Our fates were decided on the day we came
Bells of the church tolling their blessings the same
Our elders were selfish for some reasons
Thus we grew apart with the passing seasons

If every creature alive hates you
I'll be there waiting, always true
So please keep smiling like you always do
None that keeps you laughing as myself, had I knew!

You are my princess
I am only your servant
We are twins that destiny has played a cruel jest on
Even if the whole world turns against you
I'll become the only evil that is on your side

I came to visit a beautiful country
There, a girl of green is what I happened to see
She was kind with a bright smile and grace
Her image from my mind I could not efface
However if my princess wishes her gone
This order will not be something long drawn
Only one question do I have of this
Why, for the first time, are my tears not of bliss?

You are my princess
I am only your servant
We are twins that destiny has forced suffering on
"Today brioche will be served with your tea"
The only gesture you had was a coy laugh

Soon the people may come to punish us
While we deserve it, you have no need to fuss
I will, to the end, fight who they send
"Please exchange our clothing, to have this war mend"
"As long as you wear this, come what will"
"No one will notice, and you they cannot kill"
"I ask you to not worry about me"
"As I said, we are twins, there's no difference to see!"

I am the princess
You became a criminal
We are twins that destiny chooses to inflict pain
If all the world believes that you are evil
Then I am evil as well, because I share your blood

There was a country with an "evil" rule
So they thought, and I say that they comprise a fool
The only person who had any say
Was my cute sister who remains free this day
If every creature alive hates you
I'll be there waiting, always true
So please keep smiling like you always do
None that keeps you laughing as myself, had I knew!

You are my princess
I am only your servant
We are twins that destiny has played a cruel jest on
Even if the whole world turns against you
I'll become the only evil that is on your side

If we are ever reborn I want you to know
That I would like to be able to be with you again

Question of the Day

2011-01-28T23:39:00.000-08:00

And the question of the day is...

How does one acquire a better personality?

This Week

2011-01-26T21:36:00.000-08:00

Since the start of this week I have...

-Wasted an entire night (ignoring important tasks) by staring into space with nothing in mind
-Been shot down about something that mattered without even having said anything
-Had the resolve that's grown over the past 3 weeks shattered in 3 minutes
-Stuttered and stumbled to the conclusion of a presentation because we didn't bother to write one beforehand
-Reached the bus stop the minute the bus pulled out
-Failed an important test after studying for the 3 hours prior
-Forgotten to do homework that was handed in
-Missed ShounenT's live because I didn't refresh the page
-Failed to give a birthday present to a close friend
-Got a B+ on a Japanese composition
-Been forced to sit through Psychology lectures about sexual motivation
-Had a fever and have still been living regularly
-Questioned the strength of my friendships
-Watched the long-awaited possibilities slip by
-Doubted my own religion
-Read Manga after Manga in a desperate attempt to forget about reality
-Thought "screw my grades"
-Been annoyed for a recurring reason yet am still unable to confront what annoyed me
-Wondered if my family bonds are really as strong as I make them out to be
-Whined and complained like a spoiled child but, deservingly, didn't get what I wanted
-Stared at this pitiful list right now with nothing but apathy

When will this week come to an end?

Take Me Away

2011-01-25T21:47:00.000-08:00

Take me away from this life of uncertainty...

Where I stare blankly forward from the train platform,
Watching as the gears and cogs come into motion

Take me away from this life of insecurity...

Where I lead my life beyond the pane of the display case,
Pounding on the glass but not strongly enough to break through

Take me away from this life of pretenses...

Where, with masks aplenty, I set the stage for my play,
For each person a new face, for each new face a new lie

Take me away from this life of idiocy...

Where I am one among many, living through pathetic lies of society
Striving for a utopia which will never exist through our own faults

Take me away from this life of solitude...

Where, tears flowing, I walk through a familiar crowd,
As long as I keep moving, who's to stop and ask what's wrong?

Take me away from this life without sound...

If it's not put into words, it's virtually undetectable.
That's how it is, that's how it's bound to be.

I don't want to be in the company of people who annoy me, but I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to be constantly reminded about how stupid and messed up society is.

I don't know if I really believe in my religion, even if I teach it.

I don't want to lose friends, but I don't want to bother with their problems.

I want to make a change in myself, yet it still turns out pointless.

I want to throw caution to the wind, yet every time I'm about to something develops and I chicken out.

I want to be a pampered princess that gets things done the easy way

I want to live the lives of some people I criticize as "stupid" just because it's easier than living as myself

I've been immersing myself with "friends", homework and Manga lately. As stupid as it seems, I don't want to face reality. I finish one oneshot and then I start another simply because I don't want to remember the things in my life right now.

I want to just find someone to cry and complain to and wish that everything would be magically fixed.

I want you to notice...
I want you to ask...
I want you to call...
I want you to listen...
I want you to say the words that I most need to hear...

and then I want to smack myself upside the head and cry about how pathetic I've become and how reliant on some wish that will most certainly never be granted.

つきうさぎ〜

2011-01-24T23:21:00.000-08:00

Like it? Finally, something photoshopped once again! Yup, well... I was going to say that it's been AGES since I last photoshopped anything, but I just remembered that I actually did something else last week... BUT ANYWAYS. In preparation for Chinese New Year on February 3rd, I finally took the time to make a card to send to my grandparents halfway across the world (It's going to be late at this rate T~T BUT at least they're getting a card). If you don't already know, this coming year will be the year of the rabbit!

So... to critique my own work I suppose... I dunno... I just kind of put together things on the spur of the moment. Of course, having no creating talent of my own, I merely compiled a bunch of things in ways I saw fit. The background came from this person on deviantArt. I really loved it to start off with... it's a pity that I had to cover the part that I liked about it though since this isn't actually the year of the cow... (a bit of the cow pattern is actually still visible if you look carefully at select parts of the background~) As for the rabbit, here's the original image~ The most I did was render this one and slightly sharpen the edges... I also wanted to keep the pretty flowers behind it, but somehow didn't feel like it would really fit where I wanted it to. SO I ADDED THE MOON INSTEAD~ =D MOOOOON BUNNY~ =D Haha yeah... the rest is mostly brush spam...

In other words that critique was more like just giving credit to the people who actually did the work. There isn't really much for me to critique about the work itself ^-^" FAIL.

And now I will be failing a math test tomorrow since I spent all night working on this card and not studying T~T In case I somehow don't get the chance to say it another day, along with this "somewhat original" photoshopped card (which is large enough to be considered a wallpaper on the screen BECAUSE it's 300dpi and therefore was quite tiny when I actually printed), I would like to wish you all a happy (Chinese) new year ^-^

新年快樂

萬事如意

恭喜發財

2011-01-22T21:32:00.000-08:00

もう行き場がないわ　
この恋の熱量ああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああ

.

おや

2011-01-19T22:02:00.000-08:00

皆さんへ、

ごめんなさい。今日も宿題がたくさんありますから、時間があまりあります。

あした日本語のクゥイズがあるけれど。。。もっと勉強しなければなります。

And just so you know the vocab that I'm most worried about learning in time for tomorrow's quiz: (it's practice for me now~ =D)

新しい単語：
うちゅうじん: space alien (lol, THANK YOU KAICHOU WA MAID-SAMA~)
かかりのもの: person in charge (of a store)
してん: (branch/office)
せんす: fan
ゆうべ: last night

and we're also learning 敬語 (keigo which is the formal language they use)... I already learned the honorific language that they use to honor people of higher rankings... here are the irregulars they use to humble themselves~
います＝おります
行きます／来ます＝まいります
言います＝もうします
します＝いたします
食べます／飲みます＝いただきます
あります＝ございます
〜ています＝〜ております
〜です＝〜でございます
もらいます＝いただきます
あげます＝さしあげます

星の子守唄

2011-01-18T23:53:00.000-08:00

because I'm just a tad busy today and should stop procrastinating... I'll just post a song ._. The version linked above is the PointFive(.5) version by Dasoku and Clear~

星の子守唄 / Hoshi no Komori Uta

今宵、月は海を渡る君の想い運んでゆく
同じようにまた朝がきて　同じようにまた夜がくる

頼りなく　風に揺られるだけの不安定な愛で
離れていても　傍にいても
いつも　いつも　君を守りたくて

暗い　暗い　夜空で眠る君に
今宵、星の子守唄を歌う
僕に出来る唯ひとつの贈り物

長い　長い　夢から覚める朝が
悲しみで溢れないように
そっと、君の手を握り締める

今宵、月は空に帰る　僕の想い残したまま
思うほどに弱くなくて　思うほどに強くもないから

何気なく傷つけてしまうような不器用な愛で
届かないけど　届かなくても
強く　強く　君を想っている

深い　深い　眠りについた君に
今宵、星の子守唄を歌う
君がくれた唯ひとつの宝物

長い　長い　夢から覚める朝が
優しさで溢れるように
そっと、君の手を握り締める

星の子守唄を歌いながら

"A failure already"

2011-01-17T16:04:00.000-08:00

Kanna thought bitterly as she made her way up the steps to her front door. All that talk about wanting to talk to people... wanting to see people... as she sat there waiting for the bus to depart the very next day, there they were! She talked about wanting to reach out to people, she talked about wanting to make her presence known. Is this all I'm good for? All talk and no action? Kanna demanded.

A tap on the glass, a call out the window. That would have been all it took. Better yet, she should have simply got up and got off the bus since they obviously weren't going to make it on. In the end, what could she do? Nothing! Worse than nothing. She just sat there and didn't do anything. To make matters even worse she turned away and didn't even bother to try to get their attention. What am I doing?

I've been a coward again. She groaned. Scared of getting into an awkward situation again, so I just averted my eyes. What about me has changed since last year? She didn't want to think of the answer. It's not like I would have stepped out and awkwardly joined them with a bunch of strangers. I knew the others too! Kanna wondered what she had to avoid--or more like, she had a good idea of what she was avoiding: the risk of approaching a person she wasn't sure wanted to see her. It was cowardly. She had no reason to think so, but yet... no, there was no excuse; it was cowardly.

More Pondering

2011-01-16T16:33:00.000-08:00

How often do I take for granted the fact that the establishments in which I meet people on a daily basis, talk to them regularly and learn with them are what's saved me from turning to introversion already?

Somehow it took until today for me to really want to acknowledge that fact. I know people in the context where I met them: in school. So does that mean that once that place is taken away from us, say someone transfers schools or graduates, we no longer have a connection?

That seems to be the case in my situation. Or rather... we only keep in touch as long as they continue to reach out to me. If it is solely up to me to keep things going, I just don't. No wonder I spend so often wallowing in my own self-pity at not having friends who understand the real me. I now realize that it's my own fault that I lose touch with some people--and I'm starting to really regret that. Even as it is with friends that I hold in highest priority... I try to think of what life was like before we went to school together. How did we stay friends? Again... it wasn't me, I needed someone else to keep us connected. This is one of the biggest things that frustrates me about myself right now.

I'm pretty awkward around people so I THINK one of my biggest obstacles that I'll have to learn to work around is figuring out how to keep a conversation running once it starts.

"How are you?"

"What are you doing?"

"How have things been doing?"

"Where have you been lately?"

"I miss you..."

"I want to hang out together..."

"I want to see you..."

Where do I go from there? I'm not into mainstream Western movies and celebrities, I'm not into much popular music, I don't listen to the news, don't give a da** about the weather, the state of our economy, the clothes in fashion, popular TV sitcoms or much else... (random aside: when did I get to such an apathetic state about everything in the first place?) I'm too passive to ask people about possible sensitive subjects--and, it seems that I give off an aura of not being one to tease around with as well--so how else can I accomplish the goals I set out to achieve? Japan is a long way away, it's not like I can expect very many people to be familiar with the amazing piece that is Koko ni Iru yo, or be a huge fan of one of the less well-known but brilliant Shiraishi Ryouko. Although they might listen if I linked them, there isn't really anyone who would understand how extremely talented Sekihan, with his uncanny ability to sound like anyone from a young girl to an old man--and sing as them--at whim, is. Is the only way to keep connected with people I want to talk to by conforming to their interests? Do I have to go back and try to care about all the things I just said I couldn't care less about, now that one thing I DO care about is staying connected with other people?

This is difficult... dealing with people can be so difficult...

Smiling

2011-01-13T21:53:00.000-08:00

YES~ so I THINK I finally learned how to embed videos on here. Hopefully that one up there works~ I figured it was about time that I learn how to embed a video since I've never done it before... there you have it! The new Christmas edition of Smiling by another group of NND singers~

Personally I still think the original version is the best (probably because that's what got me started with NND and because most of the singers that I'm the biggest fan of are in the first version) but I REALLY love this version for the original rap version it has around 1:40 @.@ *has listened to that part on repeat for a bit before she realized looping it kind of kills it*

RANDOM: ZOMG I just realized that the random namahousou I was listening (just to test things earlier) in on about an hour ago was Ryo-kun's (the rapper) O_o WOAH. Kind of cool xD but anyways~

And now I've procrastinated and spent far too much time on here. Off to go shower and hopefully do something productive~ Enjoy~ I'll probably edit this post and do a more decent comparison of the 3 utaite collab versions (I think there are only 3: original, christmas and Re:member?) of smiling later.

日本語をれんしゅうしています！

2011-01-13T20:07:00.000-08:00

今晩は！今日、日本語をれんしゅうしたい！

私は日本語を聞いた事が少し出来るだけど自分であまり書いた事ができない！

今日、数学のクラスで先生はテストが二つもどりました。かなしいでした。T〜T　数学が大きらい！

日本語はむずかしいですね。。。”ーます”と”ーる”で、どっちの方が正ですか？ぜんぜんしらないだからりょうほうつかっている。。。

今、漢字はたくさんおぼえることがしたい。。。でも全部おぼえない！T〜T　でも、負けない！もっと勉強しなければなります！

はあ。。。これはれんしゅうですがまちがいがいっぱいあると思う。他の名様は日本語をおしりになりますか？もし日本語をおしりになる名様がいらっしゃいます、私とれんしゅうなさいますか？

Winter Anime 2010

2011-01-12T22:16:00.000-08:00

3 posts in a day? For me that's unheard of!

Well not today it seems. I finished watching Kaichou wa Maid-sama yesterday, got caught up for Bakuman (having started that a few days ago) and watched the second episode of Kimi ni Todoke. Anime finally caught up I decided to scan the summaries of the new line-up.

OTL.

WHAT THE HECK IS THIS JUNK?!?
Against all my better judgment I watched something my friend (who will purposely watch the stupidest things she can find just to laugh at it or for some other reason) recommended to me. Never before have I seen such cr**.

I think it's a good thing I haven't watched Anime since last summer. There are other things for me to watch from other seasons.

~Rio: Rainbow Gate! (the horrible and absolutely worst Anime I've ever seen. Go read a summary of the first episode if you want to know what I mean. Watch it only if you want to rage about it as badly as I do right now after xP)
~Kore wa Zombie Desuka?
~Level E
~Wolverine
~Onii-chan no koto nanka zenzen suki janain dakara ne
~Starry Sky

... although I'm probably being unfair because I haven't actually WATCHED any of them, even the NAMES sound like turn-offs. Starry Sky is the exception to that statement but that one's based off of an otome game and even the synopsis of it sounds really... meh...

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to be watching much of this season's line-up. And with this I'm done. Back to not-procrastinating... or so I'd hope.

少年T (ShounenT/BoyT)

2011-01-12T17:42:00.000-08:00

More NND ranting time! It's actually been awhile since my first little post dedicated to Sekihan... today's topic of obsession is 少年T!

Basically he's another singer on Nico Nico... I didn't really have an interest in him at first, but somehow over time *coughafterseeinghiminoneoftheconcertlivescough* I've changed my opinion. BoyT (I think the T stands for his real name which I'm pretty sure is Tomohisa) is pretty cool~ I admit, his singing isn't anything REALLY special in my opinion... Somehow I managed to form my own biased categories of NND singers (which could be right, but chances are they're absolutely wrong). I kind of separate them into two categories: super popular/pro singers, and less-well-known-but-above-average singers. 赤飯、ピコ、蛇足、バルシェ、clear, and all those other singers seem to be like that to me.

Needless to say, I think ShounenT fits more in the second category. Anyways that's not all that important I just found it kind of amusing to point out~ I'm sure there's tons of reasons and I could be proven wrong in many ways, but that's just what I think.

Why I think ShounenT is amazing:
~He plays the guitar and sings for most of his songs
~His blog is super cute xD *stalks it from time to time*
~In one of his lives he was asking for audience help to write ENGLISH lyrics for a song he was writing (OMG THAT WAS AN AWESOME LIVE~ There were actually English-speakers commenting on there too which was... interesting... to say the least)
~He looks pretty cool
and the last which pretty much blew my mind for awhile: He just turned 19 xD Comparing that to most of the other NND singers I like who are in their late 20s (Sekihan's 27ish) or early 30s (Dasoku's 33) It's pretty amazing~ I know that Valshe is also even younger but STILL~ 19.. @.@ Oh how I'd like to go on an exchange program to study in Hokkaido at that school he's going to... @.@ (I don't think it's called a university... but it's kind of hard to describe the place he's currently studying at xD I think it's more along the lines of a specialized school... the word is probably 'vocational school')

Anyways~ now towards a spam of song links!

Regrettably, as I've mentioned, I don't think his songs are really THAT amazing that I would as enthusiastically promote... Most of them are pretty good... but being biased due to the absolutely AMAZING versions from other singers (which I've taken this time to link here as well)...

I do like his GALLOWS BELL, which is a song that I haven't heard before so I don't really have anything to compare it to.

His 心拍数♯0822 is good too!

But.... 蛇足 (Dasoku)... just OMG
I don't care if he's best-known for his erotic-sounding voice/obsession with his cat Moka. For me, this song is his absolute best @.@

There's also his slow version of Melt...

... and then came halyosy with his many versions of awesome (this one being my preferred)

His version of "Nee." is also quite good *biased towards the song* though at times I kind of feel like a note or two could be sour... dunno, could just be me though.

but after having listened to clear's version on repeat for long periods of time practically since first downloading his album Dearest....

Ah, and it looks like this link-spam is being cut short because I have to go cook dinner. So... can't wait until his new album (promise) comes out... oh how I wish I had a credit card that I was allowed to use to buy it T~T

"This is it"

2011-01-12T17:10:00.001-08:00

I feel like, recently, I've been having these moments more and more frequently. Out of the blue, I just decide: "I should just do it!" and feel like there's absolutely no reason to hesitate or rethink some slightly far-fetched idea. Needless to say, I'm still me, I have yet to act on most of those decisions. OTL

Before you go thinking "Oh. Well that's disappointing." I guess I'm going to put it out there that this time things are different. Dunno where my confidence is coming from for that statement, but I feel like, for once in my passive life, I'm finding my own way to deal with things.

... and just as soon as my random passion to write a blog post came to me, it has now left me. So that's all you're getting from this one~ Some random declaration that you can take or leave. I thought of doing something stupid like deleting old accounts and moving to new ones to signify that I really meant that I would change and be different... BUT IT'S STUPID. I'm me. I was me. I will be me. There are other ways to prove you've changed other than to change your name or account or anything >_> Changing names says nothing (plus I still like the names I've chosen to use thus far =3= take that all you stupid shoujo manga cliches. I will NOT cut off my beautiful long hair as a means of letting the world know I've changed. There are OTHER ways.)

Totally random aside: today Sekihan released the preview for his new CD coming out on February 2nd... OMG I WANT IT SOO BADLY!! =O IF ONLY I could actually buy it rather than download it somewhere online.... GO VISIT HIS WEBSITE~ Like piko's, it has a cute pop-up kind of thing at the beginning xD

Hour

2011-01-11T16:26:00.001-08:00

I think the hour that felt the longest today was the one on the bus ride home... wonder why... o.o

Lunch Break

2011-01-10T14:59:00.001-08:00

Since I haven't yet managed to post the first entry that I've ever written with the blog application on my phone, I guess this is the first! I bought the application ages ago actually, just never managed to use it.

So I'm posting for a bit mainly to take up some of my one-hour break But also to reflect a bit on what I've found to be the most meaningful thing learned over the past 4 hours...

In my Art Studies class (which is undeniably just an English class... Dunno why the different name =_=) we're studying Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" (supposed to be italicized but I don't know how to do that from here so...). Regrettably, I haven't actually managed to find time to read the book yet... But I do admit that the title is quite intriguing.

What's more intriguing is a particular quote from Frankl that I found in the passage that our professor pointed out in class: "Life ultimately means taking responsibility to find the right answers to it's problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual. These tasks, and therefore he meaning of life, differ from man to man, and from moment to moment" (77). I don't know about anyone else, but for me those two sentences just seemed to raise my opinion of the book even before reading it. I really like the second sentence from that quote: "These tasks, and therefore the meaning of life, differ from man to man...". Although it's frustrating to acknowledge because it means that no one else will ever have the answers to life that I'm most desperately searching for, it reminds me that my life is MINE and I must now choose to deal with it as I wish. My family, friends, teachers, and everyone else... While they may be able to offer guidance to a route in which most people find satisfying, they can't tell me what I (bolded) will find most satisfying.

That passage reminds me of another article (most likely what was intended because it was the reading that we had to do for this English class) which talks about life courses and how people lead their lives in general. They spoke (specifically about Americans but it can apply to me as well) about how people have begun to change their ways of living, striving to be independent and autonomous creatures from as early an age as possible. Parents sometimes find it daunting to know that they are held responsible for the upbringing of their children, and likewise children wish to distinguish themselves and forward their own careers with as little help from their parents as possible (the example here is that published autobiographical authors will sometimes describe the tough struggles that they fought by themselves in order to reach their current standings, but often forget all of assistance and support given to them by other people; their parents being a major factor). In doing so, as the article argues, we are isolating ourselves from our societies and creating a void in our lives. How is this void filled? The author suggests that, for many Americans, the answer actually lies with their occupation. Americans (and people in other countries such as myself) find it satisfying to fill their lives with work, so that when they finally hit the stage of retirement, they can truly feel the weight of their accomplishments.

The thought of that, while all too real, is a little bit worrying for me. I will not deny that I'm a pretty materialistic girl (almost too much, in fact) so I can't deny that that is probably a road I am beginning to walk down myself. I want to study hard so that I can get a good job. I want to work hard so that I can climb the hierarchy of wherever it is I end up employed. My purpose for all of this? $$. It's sad and wrong and ugly but I can't pretend that this ISN'T what goes through my mind. You could try to convince me that there's more to life than money--and there IS--but a small part of me will always remember that the money is there. Is this what will become the meaning of my life?

Oh look, I had only intended this to be a short post to point out the thought I had in English class but it turned out a tad longer... I would continue even longer but I should probably wrap it up with my original point to note. Reading that quote made me feel quite surprised just because I hadn't seen a discussion of the meaning of life phrased in that way as yet. Normally when people joke around about philosophy (and in my case TOK) the big example question jokingly presented is always "what is the meaning of life?" well (other than "42!!!") here's an equally vague and annoying conclusion I suppose: "it depends".

Boss Death

2011-01-06T22:50:00.000-08:00

Boss Death - Original by Hatsune Miku, link to version by Valshe

辛気臭い迷宮の
奥で笑う悪魔
「よく来たな」だって・・・
他人の気も知らないで

この世界を救う
あの姫を救う
もうそんなのどうだっていい

有り余る力で吹き飛ばしてあげる
終わりにしよう空想みたいな使命
平和が訪れて担がれて
やがて邪魔になる
英雄なんてそんなものでしょ？
もう戻れないなら

どっちが逝ったってかまわない
どっちも散ったってかまわない

善悪の二元論
エゴだらけの人間論
どんな統治なら幸せでしょうか？

敵がいれば一つにもなれる
それさえ気づかないまま

山ごと斬り裂く刃で林檎を剥く
待っているのは何て歪んだ暮らし
海ごと焼き尽す炎で暖炉に火を灯す
力とはそういうものでしょうか？
もうわからないから

大地が消えたってかまわない
私だけ消えたってかまわない
もうかまわない

守りたかったのは
静かな朝と
母さんが作る
あったかいスープ

草原で泣いてた頃
持ってたはずのココロ
大事だったものが二度と
もう返らないなら

有り余る力で吹き飛ばしてあげる
私を縛る呪いみたいな使命
平和が訪れて
誰に言うわけでもないサヨナラ

英雄なんてそんなものでしょう
もう戻らないから

どっちが逝ったってかまわない
どっちも散ったってかまわない
どっちが逝ったって
大地が消えたって
私だけ消えたってかまわない

Way to post something semi-depressing right after my first post of the new year >_> OH WELL~ Truthfully I have 2 other half-finished posts that I've made in between this time period, but, being the procrastinator that I am, since they're both creative writing posts I... haven't managed to finish them yet ._. SO OH WELL~ LYRICS~

I'm not whining... I'm not whining... I'm... yeah I'm whining >_> It's not like I really mind finally being left alone now that my task is complete... but... I guess the reality of it is that, facing two opposite ends of the spectrum one after the other (from being called upon countless times in a day to chat and then returning to being completely deserted) kind of makes you realize how big the difference is.

It's not just for that issue by the way. Somehow strange things happen such that multiple related events all just seem to happen within the same timeframe... irony... Yup, I don't like my second semester schedule quite as much as I loved my first semester... random one-hour gaps between classes are annoying 1: Because they extend the amount of time I have to spend on campus 2: Because they aren't short, but aren't long enough to actually get something done. Just to clarify on that first reason... no I'm not completely anti-social... yet... I think... I just prefer to have all my classes in one go and then go home~ not to avoid people, more of to do whatever~~.... ... yeah. ._. Well so far this week I've managed to fill up my extra hours with study time... wonder how long that will last... then again, considering I didn't even contact any of my friends during those times, it's no wonder I'm not hanging out with them. Huu... I will uphold my New Year's resolutions!

Until next time~

Edit: Oh I forgot translations for the emphasized section~ (and decided to repost the emphasized section in case it's hard to notice the part that's bolded in the song @.@)

平和が訪れて担がれて
やがて邪魔になる
英雄なんてそんなものでしょ？
もう戻れないなら

I just want to destroy you with all my strength
Let’s finish this and end this little fantasy
Peace comes, everyone praises me
Then I’m a nuisance.
Isn’t that what being a hero’s all about?
I can’t go back.

2011 Here I Come

2011-01-01T02:14:00.000-08:00

Now that it's past midnight (by a fair amount)... HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm guessing that there's much to be done this year as well, but while I'm still in the reminiscing mood I suppose I'll continue my thoughts from earlier with more of a future-based approach (I hope)...

Coming into 2011 I am still...
~A minor
~Obsessed with Japanese and cute or elegant things
~A bystander of my own life
~A proud, self-centered egotist who, although not always outwardly, always puts herself first
~A pensive girl of many varying traits and personalities
~A wandering traveller hoping to find her way to a happy future
~An optimistic person who has yet to even realize the full extent of the blessings she has been given

I am no longer...
~A complete university noob
~As naive a person as I was when the year began

I hope to become...
~Experienced enough to drive
~An outwardly confident person who takes more initiative
~A caring friend who really treasures friendships and takes the time to maintain them
~A wiser person with a greater understanding about... just about everything...

And somehow that last little list seems to resemble something like a new year's resolution. I cheated a little with the last one though since, unless I live in an empty cave for the rest of my life, it's most likely going to be fulfilled whether I seriously attempt it or not. Oh well~ done for the night. Happy new year everyone!

Goodbye 2010

2010-12-31T23:27:00.000-08:00

Somehow I feel like I should get one more post in before the clock hits midnight and we get into 2011... Oh well, no helping it I suppose, I'll do what most people do around this time and reminisce about 2010...

Normally I don't think I'm one to really look back and reflect about everything that's happened to me in a year but this year... I think enough meaningful things have happened. Psh... I have no idea what to say, I don't even know how to start. So bear with me and this noobish post.

2010... this was definitely a year unlike all other years for me. Graduating IB and being thrown into the life of a university student... was a bit of a more significant step for me than other years. Let's just try to see if I can pick out highlights of this year by month... no clue if I can yet.

January: Mock exams. While I can't say I really studied all that hard, they were... interesting... particularly my Japanese exam which I finished in half an hour and then spent the other hour laughing at the Biology students racking their brains in frustration at the short time-limit.

February: 2010 Winter Olympics. I am in no way a sports enthusiast. In fact, even with the fact that the games were held so close to me, I still didn't really throw myself into the spirit and get majorly involved. Lack of time due to school marks, projects, etc. was one excuse, but there were probably more opportunities that I let slip of my own free will. Nevertheless, the Games still brought some memories and experiences unlike any others and are hence worth mentioning.

March: Prospective futures. March came and went, as did my 'big moment' to choose my direction for the future. University applications, resume-writing and such... I didn't go all out like some people did, taking SATs, getting teacher recommendations etc. to get into Ivy league schools, but I took part in the application process unsure of my future like many others.

April: Cramming. Last full month of school with IB exams looming near. What will I remember April for (assuming that I DO remember it?) cramming tests and projects before they were due. Nothing new I suppose xD

May: Exam hell. Yeah, even if I don't remember some of the other months this year as clearly, I will probably never forget this month. IB Exams... two years of work all leading up to these exams counting for about 80% of my final marks in most subjects all held within two weeks. My most memorable exam: IB Chemistry SL. Leaving cramming for that exam literally up until the day before... NOT SMART. It just so happens that TWO days before my chem exam I got really sick; 40 degree fever, vomiting, no appetite and the like. The day before the exam I went to the doctor, got some medicine, had some weird rash, then spent 3 hours of the evening in the hospital waiting room. Might I mention that I didn't even manage to see a doctor after those 3 hours ._. Walking into the exam room with sleep-deprivation and a 40-degree fever... worst exam of my life. Not to mention I literally HAD NOT studied some of the tested material... painful painful memory... painful painful scar of a number printed on my IB Diploma... what to do when life's like that. I have to admit though, deep down a part of me is actually sort of... grateful for that event? It really is mysterious... I was so sick two days before the exam... my Chem papers 1 and 2 were on one day, then paper 3 was on the next day... the day after that, without medication, I just got better o.o I know it's really bad of me to think this but... I kind of wonder if it was actually a blessing that I... maybe, just maybe...

June: What could come to mind for June other than my 18th birthday? Graduation for one. While my 18th birthday was KIND OF a significant landmark... I'd rather not recall the pathetic day I had on the actual date since I was out of school but home alone by then... I will remember (and be grateful for) Kiki and Marick for brightening up my day by dropping by after school ^^ Then there was graduation. Goodbye high school, hello university. My most memorable moment from that will probably be the graduation ceremony, not because of the actual ceremony but more thanks to my friends again for being there for me ^^

July: VACATION~ Finally free from high school I was able to fully enjoy my trip to Japan and then Singapore in the month! Although my stay in Japan was only 3 days, I totally made the most of that time, shopping all-out in Akihabara and Shibuya among other places. Singapore and spending time with my grandparents and relatives was another thing! Just thinking about the trip and the places I went to brings back so many memories @.@

August: Firsts... Nicola's wedding! The first formal wedding that I can say I really remembered @.@ My first time camping with friends without adult supervision (I WAS the adult supervision xD), first time roaming around a deserted town at 2 am just hanging out, my first time prepping for my first semester of uni... so many firsts.

September: University. A continuation of my month of firsts I suppose xD This first semester was quite a good start... I met SOME new people (mostly 3), got adjusted to university life... the like. Wouldn't hurt to mention I discovered the addiction that is Nico Nico Douga here too xD

October: Midterms... I discovered that I actually AM capable of studying for more than 5 hours (cumulative over the week) for an exam xD This one is mostly thanks to my new friends (since I only studied because then we had group study sessions).

November: Self-realization. More like a bunch of factors, external and internal, helping me to get a better sense of self. Between the creative writing assignment on "Who am I", the talks with friends and a decent amount of reflecting in my spare time... although in no way have I fully reached an understanding of who I am (or anything else for that matter), I really feel like I've come a long way from who I was last year.

December: Winter break. Whether it was coincidental or a continuation from last month's moments of self-realization, this winter break has been my most memorable ever... getting in touch with old friends, meeting up with new ones, hanging out and making the most out of each and every day... this is probably the first time I've ever really enjoyed myself like others my age do. Enjoying youth... though at some points I had my moments of more negative thinking, this one month seemed to represent the essence of the whole year: sweet. With just a hint of bitterness perhaps.

Is this what it's like to be popular?

2010-12-28T23:50:00.000-08:00

A part of me is kind of surprised... I never expected that my winter break would really be completely booked every single day. Actually I pretty much expected to stay at home doing everything I normally do (ie internet) all winter. But just like that two whole weeks have gone by without even enough chance to once sleep in.

Another busy day in front of me tomorrow which starts by me taking an unknown bus route involving two transfers at 8am! I really hope I'll be alright with that... ._.

While being super busy with so many things to do is fun and all I have to admit... I feel bad for my parents... with all the double (and in some cases triple) invitations for me in a day, spending time helping with what my parents need me for just seems to be taking the backseat... it's not as if I don't notice that they're a little frustrated by it all... my mom's right. She would do anything for me even if she had to go out of her way to do it. Yet not once have I put my family first and gone out of my way to do something for them. My brother's having some surgery tomorrow to remove a third tooth he has growing in his gums that's not supposed to be there, my dad's at work... if my mom needs help with getting anything while watching over my brother or anything else I know she'd like extra help... yet I brushed even that off... it's still bugging me and I know I'll have guilty feelings tomorrow... but that hasn't caused me to call off any plans with friends or anything. Horrible of me, isn't it?

Lulz

2010-12-27T23:42:00.000-08:00

Still busy every day with one thing to do or another~ Tonight I had a little more free time though so HERE I AM~

Boxing Day madness is over... mostly... I actually didn't do a whole ton of Boxing Day shopping yesterday, we just went to BestBuy... I got some Skullcandy headphones that I've liked for a long time for almost half price so yay~

What really made my day was... unexpected to say the least. Apparently I somehow managed to get 89% on this round of my Econ exam. And apparently my final grade for Economics 101 is 91%. And apparently that final grade translates into an A+.

....

...

...

...

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! If you can't tell how unbelievable that is to me then... then... OMGGGGGGG A+?!? ECON?!? WTH??? I don't know all the specific details yet so there's still a chance that something went wrong with the system and it's not real and all, but if it isn't.... I haven't seen an A on my report card since somewhere in grade 11 (excluding Japanese). To get an A+ in my first semester of university... in the one subject I was so sure I'd hate and fail... GRANTED that the fact that this prof's assignments and exams are easy for anyone who bothers to study... If I was in another prof's class I probably wouldn't be nearly as fortunate... but still... (sorry) OMGGGGG!

Well that's my really... very happy outburst for the day... in other news I also watched Inception today~ (about time too!). It was really quite good~ Despite my initial worries that I'd get totally lost and confused about the storyline like everyone else said, it actually managed to be pretty okay for me~ I think it was mostly due to the fact that my brother had told me a few days ago that it was about being in a dream within a dream so I understood that from the start though...

And now I'm off for the night to go dream dreams of my own (and hope that no one else is trying inception on me xD) So until next time~ I realize it's been AGES since I've tried my fail creative-writing... I'll probably attempt to squeeze one in somewhere somehow before school starts back next Tuesday *dies*

'night~

Yep...

2010-12-25T23:28:00.000-08:00

Not much to say while I'm like this I suppose but right about now the thing on my mind: The phrase I hate the most right now is "have you finished importing it yet?" =.=

No one else sees why I'm spending so much of my free time voluntarily helping people do something for which I will not be paid, given credit, or recognized for recording, editing, syncing, selecting, filming, directing, and EVERYTHING ELSE beyond the actual people involved anyways... I don't even know. So why am I doing it? I don't know. It's VOLUNTARY so stop ruining MY holiday by repeatedly hustling me to get it done! You don't even NEED it done until next week. I can't even do ANYTHING after importing the video until next week because you told me NOT to. There's no rush and all you're doing is majorly getting on my nerves =.="

Spaz moment over... Merry Christmas again all~ and now onto Boxing Day... ._.

Merry Christmas~!

2010-12-25T23:26:00.000-08:00

Since I didn't manage to come online to make a post until this late at night, let me first say...

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL thank you for reading this =D

and I'll end this post here before I get all pensive and ruin the celebratory mood =3

The cake is NOT a lie~

2010-12-23T23:32:00.000-08:00

and just because this blog is far too wordy these days.. an image (or two) to add pictures to this blog~! I baked this cake last week for my brother's 16th birthday xD Kinda got rushed in the end though so I didn't have time to make it firing its laser T~T

The cake is actually a fresh fruit (/canned) sponge cake that was originally a thin rectangular cake~ I cut the cake into strips and rolled them together to form the circular...ish... shape you see there~ and the topping, of course, is cocoa and whipped cream @.@

Humm...

2010-12-23T23:23:00.000-08:00

I think evenings are a good and a bad thing... seems like, during these calm hours, I'm the most emotional and pensive... for better or for worse anyways.

Shortest blog post ever. xD

心拍数♯0822

2010-12-22T21:18:00.000-08:00

僕の心臓がね、止まる頃にはね
きっとこの世をね、満喫し終わっていると思うんだ

やり残したこと、なんにもないくらい
君の隣でさ、笑い続けていたいと思うんだ

この胸が脈打つうちは君をまだ守っていたい
生きる意味なんてそれでいいの
もう一つ、もう一つって同じ涙を数えて
僕らはまたお互いを知るんだ

高鳴る鼓動が伝えてく
重なる音と流れる想いを
もう離さないと約束しよう
いつでも君が寂しくないように

僕の心臓はね、1分間にね
70回のね、「生きている」を叫んでるんだ

でも君と居ると、少し駆け足で
110回のね、「愛している」を叫ぶんだ

この胸が脈打つうちは君をまだ守っていたい
生きる意味なんてそれでいいの
もう一度、もう一度って同じ心を重ねて
僕らはまたお互いを知るんだ

僕と君が出会えたことに
何か理由があるとするならば
運命かは分からなくても
嬉しいことに変わりはないよね

いつか僕をやめるときまで
あと何度「好き」と言えるのだろう？
ここに居られることに感謝しよう
ただ生きていることにありがとう。

高鳴る鼓動が伝えてく
重なる音と流れる想いを
愛し続けると約束しよう
心拍が止まってしまうまで

BLEEEHHHHHHHH

2010-12-22T19:54:00.000-08:00

DON'T READ THIS. (I say this knowing that it's not like people will listen >_>)

I HATE THIS. I hate myself. Today so many good things happened. This WEEK so many good things happened. Yet at the end of the day for who knows what reason I end up in tears! No one even did anything to me, what the heck!

Ugh... I don't even know where to start. Today I went to lunch and then to hang out with some of my friends. For I don't know what reason it seems like EVERYONE wanted to do something today. One group of my friends needed me to film the final part of their MV, another wanted to go shopping at some center, my mom wanted me to go shopping with her for presents for my cousin and the group I met with just wanted to meet up. Do I regret my choice? Not at all. I think I made the right one.

But having had to have ditched the friends who needed me for filming meant that I would be piling more work on myself. The friend in charge of this little project is holding the filming at her house. The plan was for her to film during the day, then give me the camera when she's done so that I can start the editing.

You know, I don't even know where I'm going with this or whatever. I had a good day. I really did. I guess the biggest downer that got me all... I don't know what... is just my own... personality. I don't know. I hate myself. UGH.

Contrary to her plans, by 7 my friend still hadn't met me to give me the video camera... I called her (way to give myself even MORE work that isn't needed) to ask about it... she said that it was okay and that she'd just give it to me tomorrow to work on. STUPID ME WHAT THE HECK WAS I DOING offered to wait for her to bring it to me since she was on her way out to go for dinner with some other friends by car anyways.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why I'm doing this project. This entire week my schedule has been packed helping her do this stupid MV project. There are about 9 girls singing and dancing to create their own MV. I'm the techie. You know why she called me in the first place? (she even said it)... I was the only person they knew with a video camera. screw that. All I was supposed to do was lend the video camera. BUT NO. I had to ask her what program she was using to edit the video. WMM? That sucks. I told her I had FCP. Well there we have it! FCP it is! I went over to her house the first day to film behind the scenes for them (which was a failure but beside the point). I notice her mic sucks. Oh lookie, my laptop has a built-in mic. Problem solved! Y$%&#%^%^#%^%%$&^ I'M THE ONLY PERSON MAKING MY OWN LIFE SO MISERABLE SO WHY THE HELL AM I COMPLAINING?? I don't know what to think about that girl or this project... on the one hand I'm really grateful that she called me to be involved in this and all... she treats me pretty nicely and includes me in their activities like this... she seems to pay attention to who I am and takes things into consideration... but why do I still feel so used? I'm being used. Of this I'm sure. That thought just brings tears to my eyes and I don't want to think about it. Why would they care who the techie is? All they have to do is look pretty, sing, learn the dance, that's it. Someone else will deal with making it look pro. I'M the one stuck with the hours of editing. I'M the one who only has one night to do this now. I'M the one who has to go through all of their crap and make it look pro. I'M the one making her stupid christmas present and I'M the one who won't even appear in a second of all this footage. On the one hand-- forget it. There is no bright side in that. I just set myself up to be used. I don't want to do it. I don't want to finish this project tonight. Heck, right about now all I want to do is just curl up in bed and stay there until the world gets set in order. As if that would happen. Even as I type this I'm pulling out the laptop and opening the file. One of my friends who I was hanging out with said something about me being too nice. F**k I don't even want to think about that. Am I being nice? Am I being selfish? At this moment I just don't know.

So anyways, what else about me do I want to rant about today? I'm a self-centered egotistical little loser who knows nothing except how to whine and feel sorry for herself. Of this I'm sure. But right about now, I don't give a carp. I seriously want to vent so vent I shall.

Being used aside, what about the day I spent with my other friends? I enjoyed it. All of it. Those friends, I'd never noticed until now, are really and truly special. I loved hanging out with them. Although I'd never talked to them when we were together, now... having met with them again... they're really good people and really great friends. I like hanging out with them despite the fact that that's the only place I talk to most of them. Anyways, I had the time of my life just walking around, hanging out, etc with them. Even when we were sitting and wondering what we were going to do... it was fun. I think it just kind of hit me how grateful I am that the friend who organized it still keeps in touch with them all and is willing to organize all of this stuff. If it was up to me, we'd never have these meetings because I don't talk to people.

I'm not a social person. My life has been lived in a bubble. In elementary school I realized that, out of our graduating class of 60 people, I talked to only about 5 of them, 2 of which I still keep in contact with. Of my first high school I was so close for 2 years to 30 people. Yet again, only 2 continue to talk to me. My second high school? 3 years, over 120 people but the SAME people so we knew each other pretty well... none. I don't use facebook. I don't go on MSN unless necessary because I'm NOT a social person. For those times that I DO go on MSN I just sit there in silence mostly. I don't ever initiate conversations so my conversations would only start if someone else messages me. Only one person usually messages me. I'm sure others who go on MSN don't go on to talk to just one person... they'd talk to tons of people. Yet for me, talking to even 4 people can be overwhelming at times. I don't start conversations, but I do end them. It's sad. I whine about having no friends but what right do I have to do that if I don't make an effort to keep some?

Then there's that dreaded L word. Every time I think about it I think about that song I hated so much by Thelma Aoyama... "Someday my prince will come, someday we'll meet again and away to his castle we'll go... to be together forever I know..." F**K! I hate that song I hate stupid cliched shoujo scenarios. So why the hell do I still continue to hope that something like that could ever happen to me? No matter how stupid I tell myself I'm being, it's not like I actually LISTEN to myself. It's not as if I can ever give up hoping that someday I'd find my perfect happy ending like all of them do. If I've ever had ANY reason to regret ever getting so obsessed with Anime and Manga this would be the one and only time. I regret reading all those stupid supposedly-inspiring chapters of sh*t talking about ordinary girls and how, without any of their own doing, they just somehow stumble across the perfect guy who can solve all their problems and make them feel whole. W.T.F. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I DO. As if anything like that would ever happen. As if I could ever convince myself to stop hoping. There is no prince charming. There is no knight in shining armor. There's only reality. There's only me.

And another thing: why, for the love of all things good, must I be so... ME?? Sure, people always say I'm such a good person, a kind person, a helpful person... I've said it before but it's not like any of them believe that. I SUCK. I'M NOT a good person I'm NOT a kind person. I'm selfish I'm manipulative I'm calculating I'm sly I'm a cheater I'm a liar I'm EGOTISTICAL BEYOND BELIEF AND THAT IS PROBABLY MY BIGGEST UGGGHHHHHHHH. I can't get off my high seat for ANYTHING. Where the hell is all my pride coming from? I look down on other people. Always have and probably always will. I think I realized why I never made any 'real' friends in my second high school... they never needed me. People I consider my 'friends' are all people that I feel like I can look down on. People I feel confident with. What kind of warped person looks for friends like that? In elementary school it was with people who needed my help for their English. In high school it was for people who got lower marks than me. University comes and I STILL end up hanging around with the people who desperately need me because they're not native English speakers and hence really want me to help explain concepts from class to them. My friends outside of school I hang around with are the same... probably a big reason I still hang out with them is because I STILL feel superior to them. If I told someone I had a huge ego they'd probably laugh and not believe me. BUT I DO. It's probably that very thing... that thought that I'm so much better than everyone else... that makes me act all quiet and helpful... I know things that they don't and hence I'm superior to them... WHAT IS THIS CARP COMING OUT ON MY SCREEN?? BLEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH

After my friends left I waited alone for the friend to bring me the video camera by myself thinking about all of these things. Right now I'm not even in the mood to think about what other people possibly reading this post would think but I CRIED okay? But not even just that. It's not like I was overcome by the moment and just cried without control or anything. THIS STUPID PRIDE OF MINE.. I just sat in silence, heard the train with my friends on it leave, picked up my video cam from my other fried, walked up to the platform, realized it was quite bright and people would see me, walked back downstairs and around the corner into the dark side and THEN cried. The entire time I was wondering what the hell I was thinking or trying to do. This isn't some shoujo world. My crying won't look all dignified and emo caught on film. I wanted to cry so I cried. But before even doing so I had to go choose my time and place so that no one I knew or even that I DIDN'T know would see me. What is wrong with me? I came home still thinking about this and, because my parents were home, acted as if nothing had happened, went to the kitchen to have dinner, interacted with them and EVERYTHING. Now that my mom went out I hopped on the computer to write this whole rant. Are my feelings even sincere if they can be so easily controlled on will like this? I HATE THIS ABOUT MYSELF. I'm so prideful that I wouldn't let myself be seen by ANYONE in an undignified position with the possibility with being looked down upon or pitied, yet at the same time I still go and do something stupid like write this totally embarrassing post fully knowing that my blog isn't even a private place. I admit: I don't understand myself. But what I do realize about myself now I don't like. To the me of the future who may one day read this sh*t...--oh forget it.

I don't know when, but somehow I ended up picking up that 'female-styled speaking' from this cursed society. The part where I say things I don't mean anymore. As my friends were leaving one of them offered to stay with me. Well for one thing I couldn't ever see myself saying 'yes' to making them wait longer for me... but that's not the point. I just rejected and pointed out that it was late, knowing full well that I would probably fall apart and that having another person wait with me would probably mean the world to me. If I wanted it, why the hell didn't I just say so? There's the calculating part of me... probably the romantic part too that had hoped that someone would wait with me. Again back to the shoujo princess reference this isn't some shoujo carp where some prince charming will appear in my dark hours to make everything worthwhile. This is reality and the reality is that I can stand below the terminal all alone at night in the dark and cry my eyes out but no superhero is going to come find me. No magic powers no fairies no miraculous coincidences no miracles. Oh well too late to think about it now and I don't know what the heck I'm talking about anymore.

This is carp. This whole post is carp. If this isn't pointless egotistical self-centered attention-seeking carp I don't know what else is. I may not leave posts to whine about little things several times a day, but when I do whine I whine BIG TIME. I need to grow up. I need to change. I need to... to...

Moving on...

2010-12-21T23:55:00.000-08:00

that other half-finished post... yeah, it's probably not going to be finished for awhile. BUT ANYWAYS...

My winter break is probably almost halfway over by now but for some reason it feels like it hasn't started yet. kinda.

Well I've been pretty preoccupied since break started filming a MV for my friends and editing it and all (the techie basically). That plus hanging out with other groups of friends all for Christmas... I can't believe I've been double-booked so many times this week xD I wonder if popular people get this all the time... lol... ._. then again, my mom probably wouldn't be too happy about it if I was this booked more often... I wake up normal time, go out all day, come back just in time for dinner (or sometimes after), go to sleep... then a new day starts. It's kind of strange... I KNOW that my mom is an excellent person in so many ways... she's really caring and helpful and considerate, thinking of others before herself... actually, more often nowadays she noisily claims: "I'm going to put myself first from now on. Everyone else can deal with themselves" and every time I'm thinking: "You say that... but really you still care about us just as you did..." It's not a spiteful thought, I really love my mom for that... it's a little bit sad though for her because she really never DOES put herself first... BUT ANYWAYS, I'm going off on a tangent now... something else I was wondering today though... despite how awesome she is, I can see that she's not very happy about me going out and spending so much time with my friends... it's kind of strange though because, to me, spending my winter break with my friends instead of being cooped up at home is what I should be doing... would she be happier if I didn't have anyone to spend time with and just stayed at home on my computer? Is it just the distance I have to go each time I bus then skytrain then bus to her house and back? I don't know really... that's something that's just been going through my head for awhile...

And in other news I got my mark for visual arts today... B+... at least it wasn't a B I suppose... kind of scary though because the only other mark I have for this term is economics... which MIGHT be higher than visual arts... LOL, I actually never realized until today that I'm only going to get marks for these two courses for the first semester... my other two courses, art studies (which I consider 'english') and psychology, are two-semester courses and hence no marks...

And in other OTHER news... well there's lots of news since I haven't said anything recently... dunno where to start... but it's 12:30 right now and I have another full day tomorrow... better leave it at that... until next time~

Well...

2010-12-10T23:18:00.001-08:00

I finished my Psychology exam~ that's something in itself that deserves a post I suppose. I think I survived at least... I should've, I studied for this exam more than any other exam (even my last Psych midterm). Strange... (or maybe not so much)... my hours spent studying before an exam just keeps increasing... it's a good thing I guess.

And after that I wasn't anti-social for once and went out for dinner~ it was awesome~ and I intended to write much more than this but then right after I went online and started talking to people and stopped writing this post so it kind of sat here half-done. And now it's 1:40 am.

Guess that cuts this short. Back later~ maybe~

Hello Again

2010-12-05T00:55:00.000-08:00

Well... I swear, I should actually just post half-finished posts that I'm writing and move on with things rather than to leave it sitting in a tab as weeks go by... I still have some post I started weeks ago that I'll probably get to finishing eventually... exam period is coming up too so HOPEFULLY you won't see me around here procrastinating much... I really haven't done much creative writing lately either though... OH WELL~ And now a song to pass the time~

... buut I can't find the lyrics D: and I can't link videos (not that I know of) on here so...

"Hello Again-Negima" A song from my Mahou Sensei Negima-obsessed days from the entire cast of 31 girls plus the teacher (voiced by Rina Satou, a girl even though the teacher's a guy). ggrk~ (Google it).

The Most Important Lesson Isn't Taught in School

2010-11-18T10:33:00.000-08:00

At last~ an image to post on my profile that has become drearily text-only as of recently. This is a cropped (and censored) image that came from an assignment I did a few weeks ago for Visual Arts. Part of me is tempted to rant about the uselessness of that course and how much I feel like I wasted my time taking the course, but I'll leave that for another day. I will say though that, although I was super proud of this project, it only received a B =\ (and that translates to 72-75% in university). So Q_Q.

The concept: I titled my piece "The Most Important Lesson Isn't Taught in School". That should make things fairly obvious about this piece. The most important lesson: love. Psychologists argue that the main purpose of human existence is to reproduce. Before that we have to be able to love. At school we are taught a plethora of skills and facts to set us up for the real world. Why is it that we're never told to love? By this love I mean not only romantically (though of course that's a big thing) but also towards friends and family. How many people have gone astray in their lives and done things that hurt others, simply because they have never known love? Parents don't know how to love their children thus, left alone, their children never learn how to love their parents, friends, other family members, or anyone else! It's an endless cycle for some people... or so I find anyways. Those who escape the cycle find love in their own ways and how to cherish it, but those who don't...

Turning back to the romantic love concept, I feel like there's not enough time to learn that either. From the very beginning, when children finally begin to reach an age where they can understand things as they are, they're taught to study hard in elementary school so that they can get into a good high school. Study hard in high school so that they can get into a good university. Study hard in university so that they can get a good job. Work hard at that good job so that they can move up the social ladder. If the only way to truly get good at something is to constantly keep working at it, studying, practicing, doesn't it seem like love is just a minor thing that may or may not be there along the way? It could be just me who thinks this way but... in society today (not counting arranged marriages) there isn't really a time when you're pushed to fall in love. You aren't pushed to make time in your busy schedule of dream-chasing to find someone special. It never becomes a goal, a priority, a focus.

For me who has a one-track mind at times, the only pressure that's being put on me as of now is to study hard and complete my degree in university. Other than that I can do as I wish... I can stay at home on my computer playing games, watching Anime and Photoshopping all of my spare time away. It's not as if I wouldn't want to do that but... am I missing something? Have I reached a point where it's already too late for me to change who I am? Should someone somewhere have taught me the importance of cherishing my friends as more than someone to talk to before class starts? Should someone have taught me how to be a social person rather than the introvert I have become? Is it their fault, or mine? That's a stupid question... I'm blaming others again... the answer should be obvious... but what to do about that... how do I progress from here...?

ANYWAYS~ The concept of this project got me side-tracked into another rant again... let's go back to the technical aspects of this thing. The assignment goal was to manipulate an image so that it looked real but couldn't be. Glowing, floating heart. Real or fake? The rock is actually real, it's a rose quartz. If you google it up you'll see that it's pretty commonly shaped in a heart. I actually own one from a souvenir from some trip ages ago, so I took a picture of mine (instead of using google) and edited the colors etc. Most of the other details that I edited (the liquify tool worked wonders on my face and the fact that I photoshopped the window in behind me is lulz) you can't see from this crop. But it IS there~ Oh well, enjoy what you can see~

ACUTE

2010-11-18T09:36:00.000-08:00

Next song from my recent Vocaloid/NND discoveries~ This song is called ACUTE originally sung by Miku, Luka and Kaito. Of course, there are tons of other covers... I don't know which one I like the best actually =3 the one by clear,ヲタみん&セリユ is pretty awesome particularly for clear's distinguishable harmonies... his voice is--there's no other word for it--very clear @.@じゅったろ,Φ串Φ&ベェェェェジュ's version is really good too... that one is a "reverse" version sung by two guys and a girl instead of vice versa. It's also a bit lower than the original version or most of the other covers (hence it's easier for me to sing =3) and it has this cute skit at the start. I've heard it's a parody of the version by 赤飯&ピコ, which is another awesome version btw. The skit at the start of that one is hilarious with Sekihan being paired off with himself @.@ Aside from the obvious pwnful gender-swapping singing that the two of them do, the video is also pretty awesome in that it's simple and yet complex at the same time @.@ My first attempt at using Final Cut Pro will be to attempt to imitate their video xD So I'll end off my rant there~ Here are the lyrics =3

ACUTE

赤飯 (Sekihan)

2010-11-16T09:55:00.000-08:00

Yes that's right, I'm dedicating an entire entry here to Sekihan~ I think I said that I'd do that earlier anyways =3 SO~ Where to start... He's an awesome NND utaite who I don't think has gone pro yet (even though he totally should D:). His vocal range is SCARY good (and in my opinion it's even better than Piko who went pro). He's often paired off with Piko (for the BL fangirls) for some reason that I think may have to do with them singing Magnet together but I'm not too sure (more on that to come later). He's a huge fan of SKE48 and lots of his videos (that don't involve Piko) have to do with them.

So yeah~ now to attempt to flood a bunch of videos on here to show off his vocal range =3 The first most definitely has to be in Magnet with Piko. If I'd heard the cover before I heard the live, I don't think I'd have believed it was really just those two guys singing @.@ (If only I knew how to directly link videos on here other than uploading one from my computer this post would look more complete D:)

Magnet cover by Piko and Sekihan

live performance of Magnet
just in case you're like me and have troubles believing that it was REALLY just the two of them singing @.@

Yup... he goes from singing really low there to really high... shocking enough... then he goes to further extremes... like Mrs. Pumpkin where he sings OPERA. Not the male kind, the female kind. WTF?!

Mrs.パンプキンの滑稽な夢 cover by Sekihan
you hear parts of him singing really low and really high in here too, particularly because EVERYTHING in this song is sung by him. But it's the opera that I'm interested in talking about =3 Listen to from about 2:20... first is his pretty decent English. Then... @.@

And for any skeptics who may think it was edited... a live version o.o
I would definitely be one of those skeptics soo...

What else...

Sekihan singing the Beating Angel Dokuro-chan song just for the lulz

Him singing IMITATION BLACK all by himself just 'cuz he's scary good

Him singing ACUTE with Piko

And too many other awesome productions to put in there @.@ At this point it would probably suck if you don't have a NND account because then all of those links I posted probably don't work D: Well... GOOGLE IT~ Youtube has tons of stuff. I highly recommend checking his songs out, particularly the first two because they're scary good~

Yup, I think I'll end my rant here for now =3 Until next time~

If...

2010-11-14T14:59:00.000-08:00

If I could wake up the next day one decade, one year, one month, one week, one day later... If I could wake up the next day and do anything, what would I do?

If I could throw away all of my pretenses: say what I want to say, act how I want to act, do what I want to do, what would it be like? What would I do first?

I could tell you what I wouldn't do: I wouldn't walk to my kitchen cupboard, take out a pair of scissors and chop half of my hair off. That's a no-brainer (sorry, just had to include that shoujo cliche that has been done to death in there). But really, what would my first course of action be? Would I stop in the middle of the road/path and just scream? Would I walk up to a new stranger and just say "hi my name is, nice to meet you"? I could get off of my butt once in awhile and actually do my part around the house. Maybe I would go online to my contacts list and just talk to someone for the sake of saying 'hi'. Should I take all of my textbooks, throw them in my closet and just forget about them for a bit? Or on the other hand, maybe I should plop them on my desk and go through them one by one. Would I call up a good friend, take initiative and invite them to go somewhere to hang out together? Or maybe I could even call up a certain someone to tell him that I li- yeah that's going a bit too far. =\

Whatever it is that I would end up doing, I wonder if I'm rapidly approaching that time of action. Things seem to be changing at such a rapid pace right now... I'm not stuck in high school anymore... not a child anymore... (random aside: something that I find kind of strange though is that now I'm legally accountable for my own actions, yet it seems like the legal age to do anything and be treated as an adult instead of a minor is still one year away. kind of funny) it's about time I break out of my shell and stand up on my own two legs for once. About time I find my position in life and stick with it regardless of what other people say.

The title of this post was inspired by Nishino Kana's song "If" but the lyrics have absolutely nothing to do with what I was writing here (just in case you're interested xD)

When Did I Get So...

2010-11-12T13:00:00.000-08:00

Introverted?

First of all, looks like I'm back after a few days of being too busy to actually make a post (though it's not like I didn't come back here to check when I was procrastinating) due to my creative writing assignment being due followed by studying for the Psychology midterm that I had today.

Ironically enough, this blog really DID help me when I was brainstorming ideas for my creative writing project~ With the freedom given, inspired by Letter Song, I chose to tackle the concept of "Who am I? What makes me who I am?" by writing a letter to myself ten years in the future. If I wasn't totally stressed that the project was worth 20% of my mark and that I didn't know if I was going in the right direction or not, the project would probably have been even more of a blast than it was... anyways, that's done.

Well not quite done I suppose. The questioning of my self-identity still persists... though it's not as if that question wasn't always there. Sometimes I just wonder though... when did I become so much of an introvert?

With my much more manageable schedule for university now (I won't lie to you, 13 hours of school a week is AMAZINGLY free) I've kind of gotten a chance to organize my life and figure out the meaningful things to me. Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly) enough, not much of my life has really changed. After school I come straight home. At home I stay on the internet and procrastinate. Wake up at 7 in the morning, have breakfast, go to class, come home, play, eat, sleep.

What about the rest of my life? The important people in my life? My family? My friends? Do I even HAVE a life other than studying? Although the focus of my letter to myself was mostly based on how my family helped create the person that sits behind this computer typing this post, something even more puzzling to me is my relationship with my friends. The only "friends" I have are really the ones who actually care about me and take the initiative to start conversations, send me texts, phone me, invite me on outings, everything else. I can't remember the last time I've started a conversation with someone else on messenger just to check up on them (well maybe I have... but even then it's just with the selective few people who usually talk to me first anyways). This is why I lose touch with all others who don't have the patience to keep in touch with me. This is why I find it so hard to continue talking to start random conversations with people... I don't like asking favors from people that I don't talk to on a regular basis... it feels to me like I'm using them. At the same time I don't talk to people unless I have something important to say to them. If I don't need anything from them and they don't need anything from me, what's the point in talking to them? It's an endless vicious cycle (I think that's what it's called) that never ends. This is probably the same reason I can't bring myself to get caught up on sites like facebook (though I'm not entirely sure I'd want to even if I could) which involve talking to all the people from all stages of your life and keeping connected. I'm a boring person with a boring, academic-based life. No wonder I don't have many friends.

And for whatever reason I paused writing my blog at that point up there and now am too lazy to finish it (it's 1:57AM right now... o.o ironically 12 hours after I started). So enjoy this possibly incomplete post~

Shock

2010-11-08T22:01:00.000-08:00

Well... I've successfully managed to procrastinate for a full hour by lurking on my own blog (pssh what a loser I am...) I could argue that it's for the sake of coming up with ideas for my project, but it's really not. Interestingly enough though apparently blogger has the capabilities to track the location of visitors to this blog which I never knew about before. Even more interesting to me is the fact that in the past day I've had visitors from Greece and Germany... cool~!

Anyways, just thought I'd share that moment of fascination xD Sad that I had to bump my Letter Song post down a bit though since I liked that post xP Oh well~ NOW I WILL GET TO WORK D:

Letter Song

2010-11-08T20:38:00.001-08:00

Guess while I'm busy trying to find other ways of procrastinating for doing work I'll make my post for today here (I don't even know why I'm trying to avoid this assignment since it's creative writing on the topic "Who am I"... practically most of the stuff I do on here is like that. This'll be pretty interesting at least)

BUT ANYWAYS! Introducing the first of the flood of Vocaloid songs I've learned of recently through Nico Nico Douga (NND is my abbreviation for it and I will be using it in future posts... just to say =3)~! For some reason I'm surprised that I didn't start off with a Sekihan or Piko and Sekihan song... but yeah~ this song is really beautiful... one of my absolute favorites called "Letter Song". It's originally sung by Hatsune Miku but I prefer the version by ほんこーん (Hong Kong) much more.

Actually, this song is so beautiful pretty much anyone that sings it sounds pretty... (I also like that's and 実谷なな's and ENE's and ヲタみん's... Too bad I can't find サリヤ人's... I guess she doesn't have a version uploaded even though she sang it at the autumn live last month... it seemed pretty too)

So yeah, here are the lyrics to it... If you have a NND account hopefully those names above work as video links *doesn't know but she copied the names directly from the song links on the off chance that they work* The song is so soothing and calm and... and... there's no other word for it, it's really beautiful @.@

Letter Song ~composed by doriko

suki na hitoto aruita basho mo
sono toki mita keshiki mo

furikaerazu  ima wo kakenuke
watashi wa nani to deau no

tachidomaru hodo
imi wo tou hodo
kitto mada otona de wa nakute

ima miteru mono
ima deau hito
sono naka de tada mae dake wo miteru

 ~juunen go no watashi he~

 ima wa shiawase deshou ka?
 soretomo kanashimi de
 naiteiru no deshou ka?

 kedo anata no soba ni
 kawaranaimono ga ari
 kizuiteinai dake de
 mamorarete imasenka?

sugishi hibi ni  omoi wo azuke
jikan dake  tada oikaketeku

se ni yorisotta  dareka no yume ni
furimukeru hi ga itsuka kuru no ka na

 ~juunen go no watashi he~

 ima wa dare wo suki desu ka?
 soretomo kawarazu ni
 ano hito ga suki desu ka?

 kedo itsuka
 shiranai dareka wo aisuru mae ni
 jibun no koto wo suki to
 ieru youni naremashita ka?

 taisetsuna hitotachi wa
 ima mo kawarazu imasu ka?
 soretomo tooku hanare
 sorezore ayunde imasu ka?

 kedo  sonna deai wo
 wakare wo  kurikaeshite
 'ima no watashi' yori mo
 suteki ni natte imasu ka?

 ~juunen go no watashi he~

 ima ga moshi shiawase nara
 ano hi no watashi no koto
 omoidashitekure masu ka

 soko ni wa tsurai koto ni
 naita watashi ga iru kedo
 sono namida wo yasashiku
 omoide ni kaete kudasai

Otome Games

2010-11-08T01:01:00.000-08:00

Aaand now for a new post to complement my earlier post on "what is love", coincidentally I recently (over the weekend) got a DS game from my friend... you guessed it, an otome game.

Just in case you're wondering, an otome game is a Japanese girl's dating simulation kind of game I think... you interact with a bunch of guys who you flirt with and eventually (or at least your goal is) you end up with the guy you like. Not many of them are actually translated into English (that I know of or that Google tells me anyways) and most of the ones translated into English have crappy graphics too (I wouldn't want to go chase after a guy that looks so pixelly and... err... unappealing =3=) so I haven't played any of them. The game I started playing (which still doesn't have very good graphics but at least it's better than the other things I've seen) is Tokimeki Memorial: Girl's Side 2nd Season.

Yeah... so my friend, who is apparently super into these otome games etc., gave me the set of Girl's Side games but recommended that I start with the second season... which I did. Like I mentioned, the game is completely in Japanese so it's a little annoying for me because I actually have to work to translate things if I want to know what they're saying. Luckily it's not too bad so I can understand about 60% of the stuff (80% of the important stuff and that's all that matters I suppose). She said at the very beginning that, in order to play the game properly, I must access online walkthroughs, pick my 'target' and then go 'chase after him'.

Contrary to her words I decided to try the game out sans walkthroughs just to see what kind of guy I'd end up with if I just did what I felt was right. I played almost a year in the game's time (so that's a little less than 1/3 of the game... I think...). The standard menu of options is stuff like: sleep, study, draw, do a club activity, exercise, look through magazines, personal grooming, and chat with female friends. Then there are weekend options like: use the cell phone, go shopping, and talk to your underage male neighbour (which is REALLY awkward particularly if you talk to him about the tutorial about skinship [which I just learned about but apparently the term is used in games with pets and stuff when you're training them] and practice on him multiple times because you fail so hard [lol shota])

Anyways, I think at this point I could go off on a tangent and rant about just about ANYTHING... but I'll try to stay focused on what my main intention of this rant was. So yeah, I went through the start pretty much using the standard options: sleep, study, draw, club and exercise (with the occasional grooming and magazines). Exams came in July and I did decent on them... something like rank 78th? (which is pretty good because there are like 280+ people and some of the guys I'd met were down at 279) So I studied harder in the next round~ Come the December exams I'd studied enough to get 2nd place~

Yeah I was bored of the game by then. And then my friend called me over the weekend to check up on how I was doing. I told her how it was great and all and she asked how I was doing with chasing my guy... I decided I'd pick the guy that I only met once who was playing the guitar somewhere and got mad when I discovered him so I told her that. She informed me that, to get that guy, I'd have to max out my sense of style and social skills. Plus that guy was big on fashion so I'd have to buy a ton of new clothes and always make sure to change them every few days. Style? Social skills? Buy new clothes? PFFT. I hadn't even used the shopping button more than twice by that point. I didn't even know that the phone tool was there for inviting guys out on dates. I'd never even called anyone on it. At this point I kind of went "oh" and facepalmed because I realized that, in this completely fictional game, I'd acted almost exactly how I would have in real life. I didn't talk to people, didn't go shopping, didn't call people. In my free time I drew, studied, and slept. OTL No wonder my grades were so high that second time.

That realization got a whole bunch more thinking out of me... I guess that I made the choices the way I did because I'm pretty goal-oriented... knowing that there are exams in the school I know that there are goals to be accomplished... I don't want to see my marks drop so I study so that my name will be at the top of the list. It's not like that with guys. There are no "goals". Nothing to work towards nothing to achieve. It's a step into the unknown. My grades, the only source of measurable achievement, in the game would drop if I got distracted... so naturally I didn't let myself get distracted. Nerd much? Maybe. Normal much? I doubt it but it's possible. Stupid much? Totally.

That's what really ticks me off about that game and, if I may be as bold as to generalize with my limited actual experience, otome games. It's SO SHALLOW! And I'm not just saying that because my first choice of a guy was the flirtatious one who would hit on anyone wearing sexy clothing (... *is only partially being truthful*) If you don't fit a certain mold, people won't talk to you. If you continue along that route, nothing will come of it. It's not like you can be a person with an interesting and unique personality with the preset responses you get to choose from. Starting the game you're supposed to set your "parameters" plus figure out which guy you share an "accidental kiss" with based on questions you answer:

For the "parameters" (your stats)
1. Why did you choose to come to this school? (a. For its academics, b. Because its uniform looks good, c. For its sports)
2. What are your interests? (a. Appreciating the arts, b. Shopping, c. Reading)
3. What do you hope to focus on in your life as a student? (a. Part-time job, b. Clubs, c. Love)
I chose a, c, b... studious type. What I was supposed to choose: b, b, c or something like it.

For the "accidental kiss" (yeah, the picture of the guy's face smashed against the touch screen wasn't exactly pretty.)
4. What kind of guy do you like? (a. Kind, b. Aloof, c. Flirtatious)
5. Followed by: (a. Reliable, b. Cool, c. Interesting)
aa when I should have gone cb =.=" I hate that guy already. aa corresponds to the teacher by the way.

SPEAKING OF WHICH: what the heck is up with seeing the homeroom/science TEACHER as a potential lover?? UGHHH... the science teacher, the little kid next door (he has an ending... two actually... SERIOUSLY?!)... I don't know what's scarier, the fact that those are actually playable possibilities or the fact that my friend that recommended me the game likes the teacher the most. Then again, maybe I'm just being narrow-minded... maybe. I don't think I am, but it's arguable I suppose.

Anyways, out of boredom (again) I started over again actually caring about my style etc. I still can't bring myself to call people out of the blue and ask them out on random dates even if they ARE fictional characters on a DS screen. I talked to my friend again this evening and asked her how often she calls people to ask them out (because I set the limit to something like once per month) and she was like "HUH? Once a month? Haha, once I get back from the date with a guy I call him right after that to go again!"

... yeah... still much more is to be said about this subject... but it's 1:30 and I'm getting lazy... yet another thing to mess with my mind... oh well, food for thought.

Koi no Menseki

2010-11-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

I think I started writing this some time two weeks or so ago and then never got to finish it. Well, here goes nothing as I now attempt to...

Well, I've been thinking about things going around and around in circles for... awhile... guess I'll try to get some of it off my mind. The title "Koi no Menseki" is the title of a Negima character album song I've had for ages... I think translated it means something like "Finding the Area of Love". Hard to explain... it's supposedly by the mad scientist students (Chao and Hakase) along with Satsuki of the class who are most interested in math and science.

Explanations over, moving onto the question: "What is Love?" If only I knew the answer. If only any of us did. I think that was how we started in TOK class once somewhere at the start of grade 11. Needless to say there is no easy answer.

I like to believe that I have an adequate understanding of what love is. I love my parents; my parents love me. I love my family; my family loves me. Why is it so hard to comprehend that other kind of love though? Words fail to describe it, pictures can't fully grasp the fullness, even thoughts can't seem to place things in those categories that we humans seem to enjoy so much.

What is love? I think that's a question I will be repeating frequently in this post... I don't know... I don't know what it means to be in love or even, to some extent I suppose, what it means to be loved. How can you tell when you're ready for love?

I don't know... when I think of how this stuff applies to me... I just can't see it. I'd like to think I'm ready for love I guess... but am I really? Probably not... I think, to me.. (and this is after hours of contemplation) I'm probably not ready... I think of it as some collectible: something to be gained just for the sake of boasting. I can't see myself actually in a relationship, I can't see myself going on a date... When I think of hugs or kisses I think hugs. I can't imagine past there yet. Is that normal for people my age or do they want more... do I still have some elementary schoolkid mind? I don't know. Yet I still find myself thinking about this topic more nowadays... so I figured I'd post it.

Yeah, this post is totally strange... I'm just going to leave it here since I don't know what else I would say at this point... I disallowed comments on this post simply because... I don't really know... I guess if someone replied and tried to tell me what love is or if I'm ready for it or not I'd get a little ticked off because nothing can be that easily explained...? Probably won't happen often though. Oh well, happy readings. I should have a counter the next time I post one of these things... "count the number of times I used "I don't know" in a post... I didn't count... too lazy...

Memories: Chronicle of a Death Foretold

2010-11-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but for the strangest reason today I felt like sharing my creative writing assignment from last year. It was my IB World Literature assignment for the book Chronicle of a Death Foretold. I really wish I knew what I got on the assignment, but I don't T~T The fact that I'm actually bothering to post this here should be enough proof to indicate that I was fairly satisfied with the work I ended up with *prepares to be shot down*. I was concerned about posting it at the time of completing the project because if they checked the paper for plagiarism I figured this page would show up... and I just didn't want to risk making things difficult for myself particularly since I DIDN'T plagiarize anything. So yeah~ Here's my assignment which is introduced by a statement of intent~ If you haven't read the book you might not understand all of the references... but it's all good~ enjoy anyways if you happen to read it =3

Oh yeah, and special thanks to Rai: my one and only reviewer while I was actually writing the project. Her feedback was excellent~ xD

The Storyline in a Nutshell (from what I remember at least):
The story revolves around the fact that this girl, Angela Vicario, was married to a really rich guy, Bayarado San Roman (with accents in his name that I'm too lazy to type now). They had this huge wedding ceremony and everyone in town was invited... really, REALLY fancy. The next morning Bayardo returned his bride in shame to her family as he discovered that she was not a virgin. Her brothers (they're twins) sought to get revenge on the guy who stole their sister's virginity. The man she named was Santiago Nasaar. All of this happened before the start of the book. The book is about those brothers seeking to kill Santiago. Everyone in town knew that they were going to kill him except for Santiago himself. Yet no one said anything.

Though I totally ignore all this stuff and just focus on the relationship between Angela and Bayardo. Their marriage was one of convenience: Angela was young and one of the most beautiful girls in town. Bayardo is a newcomer to the town: wealthy with a family with a high reputation and all. He's also pretty old I think. But that's beside the point. Hopefully that's all you need to know as well. Happy reading~ My assignment officially begins from here~

- - - - -
The Letters of Angela Vicario in Chronicle of a Death Foretold
2b: Creative Assignment

Statement of Intent
Gabriel García Márquez’s novel, Chronicle of a Death Foretold, recounts the gruesome murder of Santiago Nasar by Pedro and Pablo Vicario for dishonouring their sister. As the Chronicler attempts to connect augmented memories of the murder and events leading up to the moment, less is known about Angela Vicario’s after she is returned to her parents. In this assignment I will compose her letters to the man who rejected her, Bayardo San Román.

The precise time of the murder is mentioned, however García Márquez leaves the year open to speculation. Angela’s letters, written over a seventeen year period, require the inclusion of years for clarity; thus I decided to begin with 1852. As stated on page 11, Ibrahim Nasar, father of Santiago, arrived to the town “with the last Arabs at the end of the civil wars”. In historical context, this could refer to the New Granada Civil War in 1819. Since then Ibrahim passed away but General Petronio San Román, a veteran of the war, remained. His son Bayardo, 30 years old at the time of the wedding, was likely born shortly after the war. Somewhere between thirty and thirty-five years seemed most appropriate.

My assignment includes eight of Angela’s weekly letters, illustrating her drastic changes in writing style. The first two entries, dated shortly after the wedding, are cordial messages written in an “oblique style” (93), however her style varies in subsequent. “At first they were a fiancée's notes, then they were little messages from a secret lover, perfumed cards from a furtive sweetheart… and lastly they were the indignant cries of an abandoned wife who invented cruel illnesses to make him return.” (94) Entries three to six respectively illustrate these situations. The seventh letter is intended as an excerpt of the twenty page letter described in the novel. The final letter reflects the unstable condition of Angela’s mind when she is “no longer conscious of what she [writes] nor to whom she [writes to]” (94-95).

In general Angela’s letters are written in formal prose from the perspective of a well-educated woman. However in the fifth, sixth and eighth letters her writing becomes less composed, indicated by her careless use of contractions and passive voice. The formalities of her letters also deteriorate, becoming less formal with her increasing frustration.

The Actual Assignment
Saturday February 20, 1852
Good day my dear,
How hard it is to believe that it is the end of this irregular week. Memories of our wedding on Monday will remain with me for as long as I live. I have not heard from you since Monday, so I wonder how you are doing. The other day I saw your visage as you left the town hotel. It is unfortunate that you did not turn your head in my direction at that time. I hope that you are well.

Yours truly,
Angela Vicario

April 13, 1852
My dear San Román,
Every moment lasts forever when one is anxiously waiting. Your sudden departure from town almost two months ago startled me. Fortunately, a friend of yours gave me your mailing address so that I could write this letter to you. Did you not receive my last letter? Or perhaps you received it and chose not to reply? If the latter is true shame on you, my dear, for your lack of courtesy! I now present you a second chance with the hopes of hearing from you soon.

Yours faithfully,
Angela Vicario

October 22, 1852
My beloved Bayardo,
It has been months, yet I continue to write. The postmistress persists that no letters arrive for me. It is disheartening, but I believe that this age of separation is the ultimate test of our love; one which I will endure for you. My birthday passed just a week ago and on the day I recalled our first encounter. The music box that you gave me a full year ago still rests on my cabinet: a continual reminder of your love. Hurry and reply soon my dearest, for I am desolate without you beside me.

Yours faithfully and forevermore,
Angela

October 30, 1852
Sweet San Román,
Waiting an entire month to write to you seems like an eternity. Every day I wonder how you are faring and questions fill my mind. When did we last speak? Does he still remember me? Does he love me, or did he find another? How I long for you to return and dispel my fears, angel of my dreams.

Your restless lover

March 1858
Dear Bayardo,
Guess who? Correct! It’s me again. You’re so cruel you know. Here I am, your angelic sweetheart, impatiently waiting for your return. How heartless of you to never reply to my letters! I dreamed of you again the other day. In my dream we had a beautiful wedding ceremony in my own backyard. In fact, the whole town celebrated with us. How perfect that would be if it were to become a reality. I love you my dear. Oops! It looks like I’ve gone and said it now. Yes, it’s true. I am deeply in love with you Bayardo. Hurry home so that I may glance upon the face of the one I love once more.

Angela Vicario

December 1861
You. You inconsiderate husband you. A decade ago you left me, your lawfully wedded wife, all alone without a backward glance. Each week I write to you, plead to you and attempt to convince you to come home to me. Yet every week you elude me like water through my fingers. Do not lie to me. I know that you receive my letters. I changed post mistresses this week. This is the sixth one. The fifth one tried to discard my letter, believing that my correspondence with you is futile. They conspire against me. I know what the world thinks of me. They pity me, avoid me and laugh at me behind my back. But I care for none of it, only for you. I discovered that I contracted the illness known as Bayardo Syndrome. It is a terribly serious infliction from a lack of seeing one’s husband for too long. You wouldn’t want your wife to die of this tragic illness right? You’re coming back to cure me right?

Awaiting your knock on my door,
Mrs. Vicario San Román

1862
The wind outside blows at my windowpane with such a force that it threatens to break the glass any second now. Still, I feel not the slightest chill from where I sit. I dreamed of you this morning. No, it was not a dream. It could not have been a dream. You inhabited in my room today. Your arm muscles contracted as you clutched me close to your chest. Your heartbeat resounded in my ears. You kissed me and I felt the coarse texture of your lips laced with the faint taste of salt. Your warm, moist breath entered my lungs and seared through my veins, the remains of which left scars so deep that time cannot erase….

This must be some kind of joke. Yet there is nothing amusing about this one-sided romance that existed between us from the moment I met you. When you asked me to marry you I resented you. I abhorred marriages of convenience and detested the impoverished state of my family. Why must a woman degrade herself and become a trophy wife simply because her husband is wealthy? You were too much of a man for me. Although I pleaded to my mother to save me from a marriage without love she denied me. Instead, she insisted that love could be learned. I scoffed at her comment and refused to believe that I could learn to love you, but look at me now! A full decade later my view of you changed entirely. I dream of nothing more than the day you return to me once more. You told me you loved me far before our wedding day. Yet when I finally realized that I loved you in return, you vanished….

The day before my thirteenth birthday I recall waking up and regretting my own…. For this reason I started fearing…. Mother always told my sisters to remember…. My brothers overlooked that suggestion, however I felt that…

All this and more I wish to share with you. The enclosed pages remain pertinent for you to come to a full understanding of who I am. Put me out of my misery. Reply soon.

1867
It was hot outside today. I went to the market to look for a music box the other day but then I couldn’t remember the why. I wish the neighbours would be quieter outside. What am I doing up at such an early hour of the morning anyways? Oh yes, I’m writing a letter. Oops, I probably shouldn’t have included that. Oh well, too late now. Hope you’re faring well dear.

Gonna die, gonna die, gonna die

2010-11-04T23:16:00.000-07:00

Oh how often have I used that phrase. Well it's that time of the day again~ The time when I finally come on here to avoid the homework due the next day that I know I will suffer for because I procrastinated so much. Today's form of torture features my psychology research article summary worth 10% of my 2 semester (1 year) course which I only started seriously writing about an hour ago but have been partially distracted on MSN while doing so (I can't multitask for anything).

So yes, another tiny post I suppose. I'd like to do some creative writing tomorrow if my mind is up to it.

Random funfact: did you know that where a woman is in her menstrual cycle can affect her level of attractiveness? That's the focus of the article I'm summarizing: "Ovulatory cycle effects on tip earnings by lap dancers: economic evidence for human estrus?" It's... interesting at least. Now I actually know what a lap dancer is xD now BACK TO WORK D: (the MSN thing isn't my fault OTL as much as I'd like to leave right now I can't because my friends are kind of depending on me to help answer some of their questions... this is why MSN is baad... well not really... but I don't want to be online right now, I just want to be alone to think and bs my way through this OTL yet for whatever reason I just can't bring myself to announce that I'm ditching them and thus I'm stuck there).

New Obsession

2010-11-03T23:31:00.000-07:00

So, I've been back for a couple days... kind of... guess it's time to introduce my new hobby~ Though I guess by now it's not exactly new since I've been pretty obsessed with it since like... September.

Vocaloid songs~ I think that's where it all started. I've known they've existed for a long time, heard their songs playing in snippets from my friend's mp3 at camp or somewhere on CR... never really got into it. Then this summer I kind of got introduced to more of their songs via my brother's PSP game, Project Diva. From there I got a couple of songs... Just Be Friends, Gemini, Magnet etc. Then my CR buddies got into a project singing Smiling by the chorus from Nico Nico Douga... I'd heard of the site and everything before but never had any motivation to learn how to use it. Needless to say, after the Smiling project (which still isn't complete) I soon got into it.

SO YEAH~ Don't be surprised if my next flood of lyrics for songs turn up to be Vocaloid songs for the next little while possibly linked to a NND singer (because I found that they sound even better than the Vocaloids... 'guess robot voices can't really beat human ones~)

Current list of utaites I like enough to stalk in my spare time/stalked because I was bored:
~ピコ: He's a he~ even though he most often sounds like a she =3 Recently released his first album called Story too...
~赤飯: He's also a he~ in my opinion his female voice is even more amazing than Piko's~ He's very... interesting... to say the least. But zomg his range is SCARY. He goes from singing super low like in GONG and Imitation Black to singing super high like (sections of many songs in addition to) in the Beating Angel Dokuro-chan song to singing opera in the Mrs. Pumpkin song~ Plus he can make so many weird voices which are consistent and amazing... I'll probably have to dedicate a whole post to ranting about how his singing blew my mind eventually xD
~バルシェ: I think she's only in high school... which is scary good... her voice reminds me of Ryoko Shiraishi's only... *coughithinkshe'sevenbetternowcough* I don't know what's with me and picking people with trap voices xD She's known for her low voice which sounds like a guy =3 Her community on NND has the most members out of all the communities I've joined which mildly interests me (even beats producer/singers like minato and halyosy...)
~蛇足：Probably the only one of the bunch that I stalked just because I was bored. He's known for his erotic-sounding voice, being lazy, being 33 and doting on his cat Moka.
~ほんこん: Finally a girl who sounds like a girl~ a very pretty girl I might add @.@
~くりむぞん: And now for a guy who sounds like a guy~ also very pretty... I think he's less popular than the others though... kinda disappointing.

And notable mentions~
~のど飴: After listening to his songs I realized... he isn't that amazing. BUT HE SANG KISEKI FROM GReeeeN! I joined his community just because of that fact xP
~リツカ：I love her voice. @.@ She's probably pretty high on my priority list of people to stalk next.
~amu: Somehow I ended up watching the series of videos with him playing Left for Dead 2 with Dasoku. His voice is--for a lack of other words--cute. He, Dasoku, clear and two others... (Asamaru and Mi-chan I think...?) are part of a group called PointFive (.5)
~halyosy, that & is: Three people who form the group called absorb. Their names amuse my brother and I... I feel sorry for is though because he only plays the guitar... in their PVs it's kind of funny but sad seeing him in the background when halyosy and that are singing. Lucky for me that holds lots of timeshift lives... thus he's the one I've heard the most live.
~Φ串Φ coolest handle name ever~ (though with names like red rice [赤飯] and throat drops [のど飴] I guess it's hard to say for sure which is coolest). That kanji in between the two symbols is shishkebab (can't spell it) =D tell me that isn't cool. Also pretty high on my 'to be stalked' list.
~doriko: She's a producer whom I don't know much about other than she made RomeoxCinderella and possibly letter song.

Yeah my list is ALREADY a tad long. Better leave the rest for another day~ xD

Tip of the Iceberg

2010-11-02T23:11:00.000-07:00

Who knows if that title actually works in the way I intend it to. It would have been 'top of the mountain' to correspond to my post earlier today (on behalf of yesterday) about mountains and valleys... but then I just spontaneously felt like using a different word.

So yes~ Contrary to my expectations (and most THANKFULLY), my project WAS printed by the time I got there this morning at 10 so I WAS able to hand it in without any complications in class today~ I can't say the same for some other people in the class... but if you hand in your project this morning and expect it to be printed by 12:30 even though the printing people don't come in until 3... I can't say they didn't have it coming to them... ._.

Yes I'm a spiteful, spiteful person... and I'm probably going to get my just desserts sooner or later, particularly because I'm at the tip of the iceberg right now.

I honestly never knew that an e-mail titled "grades" could bring such joy. Particularly if the grades are worth 35% of our Microeconomics course this semester. But it did. Exactly 10 people scored 90% and above on that test. I scored 90% ._. I dunno... I was happy yesterday knowing the mark that I received... but somehow having confirmed that the average test results weren't also at that level (the average seems to be around 68is%?) puts things more into perspective. Doesn't mean that I can slack off though~ I hope this will motivate me to actually get off my butt and actually study for the rest of my tests. (University life has surprisingly motivated me at least in the past few months to actually try harder... amazing...)

Mountains and Valleys

2010-11-02T00:45:00.000-07:00

Nov 8th Edit: oh fail, I knew using that title and that topic was something I'd done before... I don't know why but I have a habit of repeatedly using it. The title was used sometime in December 2009 for another post. Oh well~ not changing it now~ I've learned through a little searching through my posts that I repeat titles a lot... "bleh" seems to be my favorite title for posts that would otherwise be nameless. Anyways~ just thought I'd share that odd comment with you. Back to my actual post~

Oh how easy it is for me to neglect posting here... I still have a draft saved and half-completed somewhere... but I can't finish it now.

Life is just a roller coaster of ups and downs... a winding road with its twists and turns... a flat land plagued with mountains and valleys.

I found out that I really DIDN'T epically fail my Econ midterm (90%~! Two questions cost me 10% T~T) so it looks like my self-confidence wasn't ENTIRELY shattered today. Huzzah~!

And just as I was grinning madly and celebrating my way out of the classroom and into another building I realized that my project, which is due tomorrow, wasn't printed yet (I have to get it printed at school from the lab because of the special paper and ink and all but I'm not allowed to print it myself and there's only one printer so some service student takes everyone's order and prints them for us) and (possibly) won't have been printed today in time for my deadline tomorrow (if it wasn't printed by 7pm today... yesterday since it's past midnight... it won't be done for my class at 12:30 today).

So now I'm a little worried about that... plus for some reason I haven't slept earlier than 1am for the past 5 days so I'm a little sleep-deprived (only an hour... not TONS of hours like SOME people). Ironic since we literally JUST covered the section on sleep in psychology where I learned that, for multiple reasons which I am too lazy to explain right now, people my age should still be getting at least 8 hours of sleep. I also learned that if you go with absolutely NO sleep for more than about 3 days you would probably die.

And on that cheery note, off to bed~

Bleh

2010-10-26T22:36:00.001-07:00

I've had a post for this blog open in a tab on my computer for the past four days but STILL haven't gotten the chance to finish it. Instead I will just put this short post for the moment as I need a reason to procrastinate on studying for my microeconomics midterm (it's tomorrow x_x).

Distraction over, back to work.

Random Outburst

2010-10-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

WHY CAN'T THE CANADIAN iTUNES STORE STOCK SONGS FROM JAPAN? D<

I just had to ask that... Awhile back I remember trying to find Ryoko Shiraishi's CD songs via the iTunes search bar because I couldn't find any of them via download links (still can't, but I bought some in Japan). Needless to say that search was fruitless. I figured it was because she isn't really all that famous as is certain other seiyuus (Nana Mizuki, Aya Hirano and all)

BUT I WAS WRONG

iTunes has ALL of her albums plus all the other albums that I searched up... on the JAPANESE store! How unfair is it that I can toggle through the stores in different countries, use their search bar, yet still be unable to actually buy their songs? No fair no fair no fair.

And that was my outburst of the day. On a side note: did you know some Vocaloid songs are on sale in the iTunes store? O_o I didn't think they would actually have published songs but apparently they do... even GUMI who is supposedly a new addition (my brother's practically a fanboy for her xD)

And now I must stop procrastinating on Econ before I get owned... it'll happen anyways, but still...

When You're Gone

2010-10-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

For some reason this song has been stuck in my head for the past few days... it doesn't really have any significance in my life... I think... but something about the tune is oddly... comforting...? I don't really know why it's stuck in my head (and on my iPod on repeat)

When You're Gone ~Avril Lavigne

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
All the words I need to hear will always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

Tale in the Moonlight 9

2010-10-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

"You're back! It's about time." Aki remarked as, once more, Mei stepped out of the depths of the unlit corridor and into the light of the setting sun on the terrace.

Mei blinked at him in surprise. Did this person come here every day? After her half-hearted excuses to her nanny about her disappearance last time, the elderly woman had taken the liberty to keep a close eye on her from dawn until dusk. As luck would have it, today her nanny was called to visit the main mansion where Mei's father had summoned her. Mei grimaced as she guessed the possible topic which they were discussing: the arranged marriage.

"Well? Don't just stand there, come over!" Aki encouraged, returning to his work.

Seeing no reason to ignore his invitation, Mei walked over to where he was pruning the leaves of the vines along the wall. Upon surveying the plant, she gave a small gasp. "What happened?"

"What do you mean?" Aki asked, still focusing on his task. A strand of his silver-blond hair fell over his face but he carelessly brushed it away.

"The flowers... they're drooping... and changing color..." Mei answered, staring at the flowers in astonishment. "Are they sick?"

"They aren't sick... but they're wilting. It's getting pretty late into winter." Aki replied slowly, turning to face her. His clear blue eyes gazed at her with bemusement. "Haven't you ever seen flowers wilt?"

Mei was confused. "Wilt?" She asked. She had never heard the term used before. Aki burst into laughter.

"What? You mean you really don't know what wilting is? Haven't you... haven't you ever left the house before?"

"No..." Mei replied quietly. That silenced his laughter. "I've lived in this house since I was born." It was now Aki's turn to be speechless. "The maids do the shopping and everything else so I don't have to go out." She hastily added, seeing that he wasn't going to respond.

After another moment of silence Aki found his voice. "So... you really are the master of this house?"

"Yes. Well... my father..." Mei looked away and shrugged. While Aki pondered this, Mei took a quick glance at her wristwatch. She knew that this time it would take longer for the others in the house to notice that she went missing. Now was probably a good chance to ask her question...

- - - - -
(Originally this post was to be made on June 27th... somehow I found it never published in my drafts folder. I hate myself for stopping at this point because now I can't remember which question she was supposed to ask ._. Oh well~ cliff-hanger until I figure it out)

Suspended Time

2010-10-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

Time is a blind guide. Days, weeks, months pass by, each moment lasting just as long as the one preceding it. There is no way to slow time; to stop it. One cannot turn back the hands of time, reverse it; revisit the past, relive it. Nor can one rush forward into the depths of the future; speed past the situation of the present, skip it. This is the present.

Where have I been in the past few months? Right here as I always have. I live here.

What have I been doing to keep away from posting for so long? The same as usual. Attending classes, slacking off, same as usual.

How have I been? There have been ups and there have been downs. Life goes on.

When did I decide to get back? Many times I remembered and thought to post again. Quite obviously it didn't happen until today.

Why did I decide to come back? I simply did. I am human. My interests wax and wane. Who is to say whether I will come back here tomorrow, the day after, or the day after....

Am I missing something? Why yes I am.

Who am I?

That is a question I am unable to answer right now. At times I think I know the answer, yet at others I laugh at myself for being naive enough to think I do. If I ask myself the question my initial response is to state my name. So often do names hold great meaning to me. But what would that accomplish? What would it mean? How would it define me? How does it make me different from the thousands... millions... of others who share my name?

I do not know.

Nor do I think that I will know soon.

What is my worth in this world? What is this world worth?